“I never went back to Kuresu. For a few weeks, I simply roamed through the wilds, without a care where I was going. I have no idea how I managed to survive, as I was trying to die. To find something that would kill me, challenging everything I came across. More beast than orc. All I had was my grief. And my rage, I was angry at Thronar, for convincing me to go to the lost city, I was angry at Kwyla and Marj, for leaving our group, I was angry at the undead, for striking Thronar. But most of my anger was directed at myself. Why was I still alive, when Thronar was not?” she paused, taking another deep breath to compose herself.
“It was a bad time. But I survived and somehow, I managed to make my way back here. Back home.” Dura continued, her voice a little stronger than earlier.
“I don’t know what I expected when coming home but not the reception I received.” she shook her head, her eyes going past me again, as she stared into nothingness.
“Thronar had a lot of friends, while Marj had been adored by many, for her tenacious quest for knowledge. We had set out together, but only I had returned. Alone but strong enough to stand amongst the elders, despite my young age.” she continued, her voice taking on a distant quality.
“I told my original teacher what had happened, at least most of it. She understood and did her best to help me grieve. Sadly, it didn’t take long for people to start rumors, some of them born from jealousy, others from misguided admiration. I had the power to be an elder and people have to respect that power, but respecting me, as a person? Not so much.” she admitted, her eyes returning to my face.
“What about Sakgu? She seemed quite taken and impressed with you.” I asked, remembering the glowing tone the scout had used to describe their Warleader.
“Taken with me, or my power?” Dura asked in return, making me frown.
“There are quite a few who think that I will lead the clan into a bright future.” I snickered at her pun, wondering if it was intentional. The roll of her eyes told me that it hadn’t been but the ghost of a smile appeared on her face, if only for a moment.
“But if I’m honest with myself, I don’t need more conflict, more loss. When the centaurs attacked my home, I got angry. But there was nothing I could do to prevent it, they took what they could before running away.” she grumbled, one of her hands curling into a fist.
“How did they manage to get the drop on you? I saw the guard-posts from afar and, for their strengths, centaurs are not what I would consider sneaky.” I asked, my curiosity finally getting the better of me.
“That is a good question, one that I’m quite certain the other elders have asked while I was gone. And if not, it is one I will be asking, now that we are back.” she replied, a grim look on her face.
“Anyway, you asked about Sakgu and those like her.” she shook her head, changing the topic, apparently unhappy to talk about their valley’s vulnerability.
“They respect the power I hold but they don’t understand the sacrifices involved in getting that power. In addition, they see me as an Elder, even if some of them are, in fact, older than I am.” she explained, making me nod in understanding. It was something I remembered from my old team,the disconnect between the captain and the other members. I had never been an official captain, my personality not suited to lead, but Chris, the original captain and one of the few friends I had during my school-years, had often complained about it. He claimed that I, as his co-captain, was the only one he could complain to, without damaging the integrity of his position, or something along those lines. I had never quite understood, but I had always trouble with the intricacies of interpersonal-relationships.
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“What’s worse, some of the rumors going around about me are spread by them, talking me up. I hate those rumors, why can’t people just talk to me instead?” she asked, annoyance strong in her voice. I had to chuckle at the sentiment, the idea that people who spread rumors actually cared about the truth was just too amusing to me. In my eyes, it was the equivalent to internet-drama, someone wanting to increase their own profile by talking about someone else.
When she gave me an unhappy glare, I got myself back under control, banishing most of the amusement from my face.
“There will always be people who spread rumors, for a variety of reasons. The easiest way, or maybe even the only way, to deal with them is by ignoring them. It took me some time, but I managed to get to the point that I can happily ignore the opinion of random people. The people who matter to me know better, and those who don’t know better, don’t matter to me.” I explained, knowing that I was fudging the truth more than a bit. But it sounded good and was advice I generally tried to follow but failed to, at times.
In my particular case, things were made easier by the simple fact that there were few people I actually cared about. It had started after I finished University, the few friends I had went into different directions, slowly falling out of contact. Something similar had happened when I had been separated from my old team, what few social contact I had slipped away, due to lack of care on my part. The realisation that there were more beings that I cared about on Mundus, compared to the real world struck me like a blow but I managed to keep most of it from showing on my face.
Not wanting to face Dura any longer, I stood, turning around and walking a few steps, allowing me to look out, into the shadowy valley. Below us, light was shining out of windows, making the night around us appear a little darker than it actually was.
“But shouldn’t I care about my clan? This is my home, you know?” she asked, sounding confused.
“What is a clan? What holds it together, what binds it?” I asked rhetorically, never giving her a chance to respond before I continued. The questions allowed me to focus on something else, pushing away the uncomfortable realisation I had about myself.
“Relationships, based on trust, respect and, at times, blood. You said it yourself, they don’t respect Dura, they respect Elder Firebringer. But what about trust?” I asked, without turning back.
“But it’s my home!” she clung to the notion as I looked up into the sky, at the sickle of the moon.
“Home, home is not a place.” I began, remembering something I had read once. “At least it doesn’t have to be. Home can be where you lay your head when you roam, home can be your house, obviously, but it can also be your parent’s place, even if you haven’t lived there for years.” I felt a smile curl up my lips as I realised something.
“Home is being content and feeling safe, secure. It can be the shade of your favourite tree, sheltering you from the summer-heat, it can be so much. But it never has to be a place.” my mind went to the place where I felt content and safe. Secure. My home.
“Think about it, will you?” I asked, before giving Lenroe a mental push. “We will see each other tomorrow.” I said in farewell, just as Lenore left her Hallow and I moved into mine, mentally pushing her to fly faster.
It only took us a minute to reach the guest-house we were staying in and this time, there was no deception, I didn’t care who might see me, I simply wanted to get to my destination. If there were orcs about, if they cared, I didn’t notice them.
I quickly made my way up the stairs, opening the door to Sigmir and my room, knowing that Sigmir was inside thanks to our connection.
There were no words as I entered, no words were needed. She was sitting comfortably on the floor, leaning against the wall with Ylva stretched out next to her, getting her head scratched, the image making me smile. I simply stepped up, plopping down on her lap, on the other side of Sigmir, snuggling up against her chest as her arms went around me.