People make mistakes, big and small. Some forget them, some reflect on them, and some, like Ichinose, can’t let go.
Her obsession with making up for her past mistakes might seem admirable, earning her praise and affection, but no matter how she masks it, deep down, it’s full of contradictions.
The cracks in this mindset were already showing during last semester’s surveillance incident and the deserted island exam over summer break.
"There’s no denying that this has changed your personality and how you approach things. That’s why you’ve become the Ichinose that everyone likes today. But past mistakes exist to help you become better, not to shackle your future."
Ichinose stared at Hikigaya’s deep eyes, feeling as if he could see right through her. The way he completely broke her down with no reservations made her instinctively hug herself.
"You’ve probably realized this a long time ago, right? The kindness you show to everyone—it sometimes leads to good outcomes, but other times, it only brings you pain. Yet you don’t care. In fact, you treat that pain as a way to punish yourself. Am I wrong?"
"No, that’s not it!"
Ichinose suddenly looked flustered, rushing to deny it. But when she met Hikigaya’s gaze again, her voice weakened.
"I... I just... just..."
Her words trailed off, getting quieter and less confident.
Hikigaya had the look of someone who already knew the answer. Making up for a mistake means balancing out the wrongdoing—whether through punishment or sacrifice. And in Ichinose’s case, she was punishing herself by willingly accepting harm from others.
In other words, she wasn’t unaware of her problem. She was deliberately avoiding it.
"I know I have no right to tell you what to do. But what I want to say is—if this only affected you, then fine. You could take as much pain as you wanted. But now, you’re responsible for more than just yourself. Can you really carry the fate of the other 39 people in your class?"
Hikigaya’s voice was cold.
"If you’re not ready for that, then step down. Otherwise, your selfishness will only spread your pain to others, dragging them down with you."
"I... I..."
Ichinose felt like the ground beneath her was shaking. Hikigaya’s words cut deep, exposing everything she wanted to hide—everything she was most ashamed of, everything that hurt the most.
Suddenly, her vision darkened, and she stumbled. But before she could fall, a warm arm caught her.
"I... I’m sorry... I’m really sorry!"
Tears slipped from Ichinose’s eyes as she clutched Hikigaya’s clothes tightly.
"But... but I don’t know what to do! Every time I close my eyes, I remember that day... My sick mother kneeling before everyone, the whispers behind our backs, even my little sister being treated differently... It was my fault, all my fault. But why did my mom have to suffer for my mistake?! It hurts so much... The only way I can forget, even for a moment, is by hurting myself even more..."
She had been carrying this pain every second of every day. The only way to dull it was by replacing it with another kind of pain.
Hikigaya had suspected this ever since he learned about Ichinose’s past in middle school.
Because... once upon a time, he had been the same way.
A loner always gets hurt, but even when wounded, he has no choice but to endure it alone. At first, it’s unbearable. But eventually, as the pain builds up—
No, that’s a lie.
"Pain doesn’t go away. You just become numb to it."
Hikigaya let out a long sigh.
Every rule a loner follows is, in some way, a response to pain.
"Ichinose, like I said before, pain doesn’t just disappear. As long as we’re alive, we’ll always have to face hardships. That’s unavoidable. So instead of trying to erase it, avoid it, or embrace it, we have to learn to carry it."
His voice softened.
"Learning to carry pain—that’s what it means to grow."
"Carry it... grow..."
Ichinose repeated the words to herself.
"Yes. People need to learn to make peace with themselves. Even years from now, this pain will still be with you. Every time you remember, you’ll feel regret and sorrow. But it’s not a roadblock. It’s proof of how far you’ve come. Every scar is a step forward, making you stronger."
The light returned to Ichinose’s eyes. Something about her changed—as if the chains holding her down had finally been lifted.
"Hikigaya-kun... You’re really not like other guys your age. You’re more mature than most adults I’ve met."
She couldn’t help but say it. Growth isn’t just about the body—it’s about the mind. And Hikigaya felt different from the boys she knew.
"I just read a lot of books. Everything I said is just copying what I’ve read, so it’s not really maturity."
Hikigaya shook his head at Ichinose’s words.
"No, I think I finally understand why I trust you so much, Hikigaya-kun."
Ichinose seemed to have figured it out and said with a sigh, "It’s probably because of this ’maturity’ you have. It makes me feel like you’re a dependable adult."
"Uh... I’m not Katsuragi, you know!"
Ichinose froze for a few seconds before bursting into laughter.
"Hikigaya-kun, you better hope Katsuragi doesn’t hear that, or he’ll be really upset."
Ichinose said with a smile.
"So, do you feel a little better now?"
"Huh?"
It took a moment for Ichinose to realize what he was doing. For some reason, her heart felt warm, but in the next second, she suddenly noticed something—the distance between them...
Ichinose quickly let go and took a few steps back, her face instantly turning bright red.
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