He said it, but I couldn’t get myself to sleep when I laid in bed until morning came.
I thought about it all night.
Yes, as Havel said, I immediately realized that I was too much from Assisi’s point of view. That didn’t mean that I would let go of what was done. Anyway, without any other thoughts, from a third person’s point of view, I tried to rationalize the situation with a cool head.
Nevertheless, I still needed to know why Assisi did that. That’s my conclusion.
If Assisi did that, there had to be a reason. No, there was a reason, and it wasn’t because Assisi was being considerate of the kids. I wasn’t going to believe that. When I cared for someone, I tried to learn more about them. It would have been easier not to know. I could also make some kind of an excuse about not knowing the reason or demand why he did that to a man.
But I couldn’t ask that.
Assisi was my guardian knight, but he was also a very precious person to me.
I did know that it wasn’t possible to learn every detail about a person. I was aware of that, but I couldn’t let things pass. I was the curious kind.
If they think about it, Lady Sicelia said the same; there was too much that I didn’t know about Assisi.
Although we had been so close and lived together for a long time, I didn’t know anything about him.
It was a natural desire to learn more about a person you like, to become close to them emotionally. I wanted to know, even if it meant digging through Assisi’s wounds.
Maybe I was doing something evil.
I don’t know if I would do something painful to Assisi in the name of learning more about him.
However, I knew that if I went over there without forming a conclusion, I would always question myself. I had no idea why but seeing Assisi’s behavior, I knew a scenario like what happened last time would occur again.
Then, I’ll go and ask him again why he had to do that.
Assisi would go silent again. Then I would get angry, and the same situation as last night would happen again.
No, I won’t do that.
I shook my head. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Assisi, are you really not going to tell me why?”
Before leaving for Bureti, I went to Assisi’s room. To finish yesterday’s story and to bring closure to my thoughts.
Assisi was silent as ever.
Watching him say nothing, I held my desire to cry my guts out.
“Are you going to live without talking to me forever?”
My voice had resentment in it, but Assisi bowed his head and stayed silent. I was tired. It was like talking to a wall.
I already knew from the experience that there’s nothing I could do to make him speak. In other people’s eyes, I would appear like someone who was messing with a good friend.
Right, right.
“Fine. Assisi can do whatever he wants to!”
That was when Assisi raised his head.
It was the best plan I came up with in my pretty head last night.
“From this moment on Assisi, I am relieving you of your duty as my escort knight.”
Assisi was clearly shocked.
I felt guilty, but I spoke steadily.
“I don’t need a guardian knight who can’t trust me.”