That was why he declared that to Touko before about proposing after reaching number one. It felt like such a long time ago now. After meeting her again, Yuhi confirmed that his feelings for Sumire were real.
He squeezed her hands. "Don't think that way. I love you so much."
Her gaze softened, and she nods. "I know, sorry." She trails off and laughs. "Even though I am like this, a complete mess and paranoid all the time. Yuhi, you never once judged me, nor did you leave no matter how tiring it got. You remained by my side. If you didn't do that, I would no longer be here."
Yuhi immediately understood what she meant by those words. It seems like Sumire attempted it before, ways to end her life, ways to escape this pain.
"You saved me."
He saved her? It's ironic that is what he wants to say to her. He still has moments like this where he feels weak and messed up, but it isn't like before. It isn't like before where everything seemed empty.
..
When they returned, the other two were no longer there. Yuhi picks up the note on the table and sighs. "Have fun."
Sumire laughs. "Well, maybe we can have some fun here."
He raised his eyebrow at her suggestion but shook his head. "At home." When they get back, they can do all sorts of things. "Let's start reading. I will read the ones on the high shelves. You can take the middle."
He doesn't want her using a ladder or crouching down.
Sumire nods and immediately walked to the shelves. For the next few minutes, nobody could hear any other sound than the flickering of books—the slight movement whenever they picked a book out of the shelf.
"Yuhi-san, if you get tired of me. Please let me know."
"That's my line." He mumbled. "Im not exactly the best guy, and you will probably see more scenes like what you did earlier."
"If I ask you to stop, will you?"
"I want to. But its the only way I can cope."
Its the only way he can cope with how messed up he is.
Sumire nods. "I see," She trails off and sighs. "You know I have a cynical view of the world and don't trust people, correct?"
"Yeah."
"I've always thought that I want that to change. Its already too late for me but I wanted somebody to prove that I am wrong. I wanted them to show me that there is still something in this world for me; there are still people who will believe. Most people start off nice. I met so many who insist they want to help me, who want to befriend me. But after so long, it happens all over again, the same pattern as before. Just when I think I am getting close to another person, one incident leads to the end of that friendship. It just takes one mistake for everything to go wrong for things to disappear."
Yuhi was glad that he had his back turned from her. He does not want to see that sorrowful look on her face right now.
"There is one other lie that I forgot to mention to you." She trails off. "You see, I dislike myself. I hate everything about this person called Ibuki Sumire, everything that makes me this way. This cynical, twisted, and terrible person."
But she saved him. Even though Sumire is going through a lot more than him, she saved him. She saves him over and over again.
"Sometimes, I wish that those nightmares consume me for good, so I no longer have to wake up and go back. I no longer have to cause the people I care for pain and suffering. It is difficult dealing with somebody who has such a twisted view of life; most people don't understand it. They say they will try, but then they leave when it gets too tiring or troublesome." Sumire picks up a book from the shelf.
Yuhi immediately recognized the cover. Dazais no longer human.
"Many famous authors of the past ended their lives. Did their literature consume them? Did their art become too heavy for them to bear? It isn't like that. Those people loved to write; for them, it was the only way they could communicate. It was the only way they could be free."
He wanted to stop her and say something, but then he hears her faint footsteps. She walks towards the large windows. "When Aika lectured Sano not too long, she said that shit would get old eventually. That is what most people think whenever I end up paranoid. These people have their own lives and will focus on it. I understand that very well, their comments and harsh words are only a passing thing. But for people like us who no longer have faith in the world, who has given everything up, those words sting."
Yuhi walked over to her and intended to hug her, but she moved away. Sumire turns to him, and he sees it, something even worse in her eyes. Something darker than what he saw in his.
"It is easy for them to tell us to stop and just get over it. Let's be practical and move on with our lives. Hah," She laughs. "They can say that so easily and act all rational because they don't live in pain and fear every single day. They don't get sad and depressed randomly out of nowhere. For those people, it is that easy."
It is that easy, huh? Yuhi understood those feelings very well. Everything Sumire is saying he understood it. After all, he was like her, and yet what is this? Her sorrows and pain, it is a lot deeper than his. Yuhi thought he understood that already, he thought he was the only one who understood her. But looking into her eyes now, he is starting to see that is not the case here.