Gu Bailu subconsciously pushed him away and ran off. “No, don’t. I’m exhausted after yesterday.”
She really wasn’t in the mood right now.
More accurately, she was even scared that Feng Qingtian would ask for it.
It was a strange feeling. She could let him hug or kiss her, but she couldn’t let him go further.
The feeling had gotten even stronger after she developed a spirit root.
Feng Qingtian was slightly disappointed, but he petted her and said, “You can sleep a while longer. There’s no morning audience today. We’ll meet the emperor at the royal palace later.”
Gu Bailu nodded and hugged him apologetically, hoping that her resistance would erode with time.
Gu Bailu knew that what she was doing was terrible. After Feng Qingtian left, she lay down for some time before getting up again.
What happened in the morning extinguished her excitement of getting a spirit root.
She was a little upset, and felt that she was being too unreasonable.
Feng Qingtian touched Yan Anchun because he had to, and he had done it for her. Why was she so bothered by that?
Most adults had many relationships before they got married, and few were still virgins by then.
She thought for a while, and loathed herself.
She thought that she was less devoted to Feng Qingtian because she knew that there was nothing Feng Qingtian could do about it. After all, she was all that he had ever had after so many years.
She couldn’t quite figure out her heart. Sometimes she wanted to tell Feng Qingtian that she loved him, or say other sweet things, but it wasn’t an urge to do so.
Didn’t loving someone mean missing them and wanting to be around them all the time?
But she didn’t. She was happy when Feng Qingtian was around, but if he wasn’t, she wouldn’t wonder what he was doing or whether he was with another woman, nor would she want him to go home early to be with her.
She didn’t even know if she really loved him.
She definitely liked him. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have let him touch her.
But did she love him? Was she willing to abandon everything and do anything for him?
If someone told her to kill herself or Feng Qingtian would die, would she do it?
When she asked herself the question, she replied almost without any hesitation, “No.”
Firstly, she didn’t think that Feng Qingtian would die so easily.
Secondly, she was pregnant, and neither she nor Feng Qingtian would want the baby to die with her.
Thirdly, she hadn’t avenged her family, and she couldn’t die just yet.
Those were fantastic reasons, but if she really loved him, would she still be able to analyze it so rationally?
Gu Bailu didn’t think so.
When you really loved someone, you wouldn’t be able to think clearly and might act recklessly, because you were too concerned about their safety.
After all the analysis, Gu Bailu had to admit that she did love Feng Qingtian, but she didn’t love him enough, not as much as she loved herself.
She didn’t quite know the reason for her state of mind.
Was it because she didn’t have her memories that she didn’t have the feelings of her former life?
Or maybe she had been traumatized when Feng Qingtian suddenly let go of her?
Even though it turned out that he had done it for a good reason, she might still be scared and didn’t dare love him wholeheartedly.