I walked to my room and slumped on the bed after Young Lord let me leave. The dread was still in my body as I shivered by the presence of Merry here. The enormous guilt weighed my shoulder, I just couldn't imagine what would happen if Merry revealed our relationship to Young Lord.
'But Young Lord is unattainable, what's the worst that could happen?' that was my thought back then. But now, I couldn't even imagine it.
'Even if Young Lord doesn't like me, I didn't want to see his expression if he knew about this'
I closed my eyes and covered it with my arms. I tried to blur my mind from the image of Young Lord, whether he will be angry, disappointed, or treated it as an unimportant matter when he knew this. All of them, I couldn't bear to see any single of reaction from his face.
Back then, I wished that Young Lord would be nonchalant about this news, because that would be the best answer. If he congratulated us happily, there was a sliver of disappointment in my heart, because that meant Young Lord never saw me as important.
'But now, any reaction in his face would hurt me'
I thought after leaving the grand duchy back then, the feeling in my heart would subside and disappear, and Merry was the fresh breeze that would distract me. But my longing only grew more intense after two years of separation. There was not even one moment passing without me thinking of him.
'It's okay right? I am the one who accepted Merry's confession, I should be choosing Merry!' that sentence permeated in my mind constantly, probably as coping mechanism for me. Merry was beautiful, kind, gentle, and most importantly, she loved me.
But my heart cannot lie, Young Lord kept grasping my heart with his irresistible charm. It felt like a magic that bound my heart to him forever. Forever wanting the most precious diamond in the world, something unattainable for me.
'They said you will be longing for something unattainable forever, are you really my unattainable, Young Lord?'
As my mind pondered about what to do, there was a knock on the door. I opened my eyes and waited for the next knock, but what I heard was a voice, "Ramuja, it's me, Merry."
I jumped from the bed and rushed to open the door, Merry was startled when she saw me, but I took no time and pulled her inside the room and locked the door again.
There was a horror in my mind as I was afraid that someone noticed Merry going inside my room.
Merry looked at Ramuja with complicated eyes, she felt like there was something wrong with Ramuja here. He was too jittery, too panicky, as if he tried to hide something.
"Ramuja, what's wrong? I thought you would be happy when I visit you here, we haven't meet for months," Merry asked.
I calmed down and stared at Merry's confused face. There was a pity in my heart, pity that I didn't end this relationship sooner.
"I'm just afraid," I replied weakly.
"Afraid? To who? Young Lord Aster is a very kind man, if you are afraid that Young Lord will find out about your relationship, wouldn't that be better? I think Young Lord would definitely give us blessing!" Merry said excitedly. She held my hand and it made me even more nervous.
"No, I I don't think it's a good idea to tell Young Lord about us"
"Huh? Why not?" Merry was even more confused, this situation was out of her expectation after Young Lord Aster confirmed that they had friendship when they were young, although she forgot most of it.
"II'm Young Lord's slave, he would be angry if he knew that his slave dared initiating relationship with an outsider"
"Ah, if that's the case, you must know this good news!" Merry smiled cheerfully, "Your price is fifty gold coins, right? I already raised fifteen coins from my job in street bands! I believe Young Lord will give me generous amount of money, so we're closer to your freedom! Besides, well Young Lord might lower your price out of kindness, hehe~"
I stared at this young, cheerful lady that was naturally beautiful, she had grown even more mature after months.
'Even with her new life as a singer in the city, she still hadn't lost her faith to me but what about me? I even forgot about her for a long time because I was busy with Young Lord.'
After realizing how terrible human being I was to a bright lady like her, I felt like there was a terrible, suffocating feeling inside of me. Something that made me guilty of everything.
'I didn't deserve her, she didn't deserve this'
'I couldn't do this she deserves much better.'
'I need to let her go.'
I fixated my eyes upon hers and held her hands tight, "Merry, you should spend the gold coins on other things, we must break"
"Oh, Oh! Do you know that Jon and my mom already said that they would rebuild our home, they would create separate room for us! If we have a child, they would add another room! Grand Duke is very generous, he would let us borrow a bit of forest land to make our house bigger!"
"Merry"
"Ramuja, do you know, Jon said that if you dared hurting me, he would personally come and beat you up! Hehe, but I believe you won't hurt me because um we love each other, right?" Merry kept talking and talking until she stopped and blushed.
"I"
"Also um my mom said that you are her son-in-law already, her body has gotten weaker nowadays, probably because she misses you a lot. She keeps talking about you"
I was flustered with barrage of nostalgic emotion. Although, I didn't have romantic interest to Merry as I only treated her as younger sister, but our familial bond was real. Lisa, Jon, Merry, they were my real family here.
They were the first one that treated me like a human being, gave me shelter, food, and warmth of family. Although my feeling to Young Lord was irreplaceable, but I didn't treat him like my family.
I always see Young Lord as my savior. The sun of my life
'Young Lord, if you decided to abandon me after you got bored later. Who would shelter me except this family, the one that treats me as a human'
"Oh, I'm sorry I talked too much. You know, I'm very happy to meet you again," Merry blushed. "So um what do you want to talk about?"
I stared at Merry who still stared at me expectantly. I bit my lip and asked, "Why are you doing so much for me?"
Merry raised her eyebrows, as if she just heard something silly, "Isn't that obvious already? I love you, because you are kind to my family, to me, and you are um handsome too! But the most important thing is, you are honest and simple, I like that a lot."
When she said that I was honest, I felt like there was a knife that stabbed my heart.
'Maybe maybe if I give it more time, I will slowly let go of my heart. Maybe I won't be wishing too much from Young Lord after sometimes'
I stared at her doe eyes and said in low voice, "Then, you should wait for me. I will find a way to get my freedom"
"Un! I believe we can do this together!" Merry smiled cheerfully. After a while, I asked her to leave because it was still inappropriate for her to visit a personal slave like me. After I locked the door, I covered my face with my palm and took a deep breath.
'I lied again...'
'Young Lord, I'm sorry, I lied again'
'I am disgusting.'
As I opened my eyes, there was a glint of shadow on the corner of the room and a figure appeared in front of me suddenly. His eyes behind the glasses were deep with murderous intent, as if he just saw a scene worth of death sentence.
"I see that you are looking for death."