After chatting for a bit, Cohen decided to head back to his trunk – or rather, the space inside it – for a nap before meeting Nicolas Flamel for some actual business.
"You've started taking an interest in alchemy?" Nicolas was a little taken aback that Cohen suddenly wanted to learn the subject from him.
"I've always been interested, honestly, it's just that things have been a bit... much," Cohen said, leading Nicolas back to the workshop. Curiously, even inside the space created by Cohen's Undetectable Extension Charm, the key Nicolas had given him still opened the door to the workshop. Cohen had always thought these two spatially complex magical constructs would conflict, like two frameworks trying to occupy the same spot, you know?
"So, what's your goal?" Nicolas asked. "The transformation and sublimation of matter require a clear aim: wealth, immortality, knowledge, power..."
"I want a talking toilet," Cohen declared with utter conviction.
"?" Nicolas froze. "Pardon? I don't think I heard you right."
"I want a talking toilet," Cohen repeated. "A Speaking-Toilet!"
"Ridiculous," the Count commented, having been forced to retreat from the Room of Requirement and now just watching the show behind Cohen. "Alchemy should at least be about making some gold..."
That colourful owl Cohen had bought was given to Edward and Rose, finally granting the Count some peace. He no longer had to choose between... well, let's just say conflicting instincts.
"Isn't that goal a bit..." Nicolas asked, "I mean, a little too narrow?"
"But a talking toilet is really cool, isn't it?" Cohen said. "And alchemists can refine anything but gold, right? That's what I want to learn!"
After a significant internal struggle, Nicolas agreed.
"You... you sound like you've researched this too!" The Count was amazed. He'd expected Nicolas to reject Cohen's seemingly joke of a decision. Nicolas Flamel! The only top-tier alchemist to create the Philosopher's Stone! Leaving all his knowledge... for his heir to research how to make a toilet talk! The heir being out of his mind was one thing – but why did it feel like Nicolas Flamel was interested in this too? "Okay, nobody's putting up a facade anymore, are they?"
"Regarding the topic of giving a toilet its own thought, I did some similar research myself previously," Nicolas said. "Making it produce sound isn't difficult; the challenge lies in giving it an independent consciousness..."
"'Similar research...' the Count muttered."
"A talking chamber pot," Nicolas admitted without hesitation. "I was hoping it could guide me to the right place when I was groggy at night – please forgive me, us old chaps tend to have trouble seeing in the dark."
"Peeing time is too short," Cohen didn't think much of that approach. "You can barely get a few words in before you shiver all over and kick it under the bed... A toilet feels a bit more practical."
"Indeed. So, let's continue from where we were. Making it talk only requires a simple Transfiguration Charm, but this kind of Transfiguration can't make its dialogue independent of the caster's thoughts," Nicolas said.
"But I saw Professor McGonagall's Transfiguration could even conjure a soul for inanimate objects," Cohen recalled. "Later, I found some books whose contents put soul and magic into the same category..."
"The soul produced by a Transfiguration Charm is relatively artificial," Nicolas said. "It has a fundamental difference from a true soul – a true, complete soul doesn't require external support to exist, while a soul created by a Transfiguration Charm disappears the moment the spell wears off, dissolving into the magical fields in the air."
"I need an independent toilet," Cohen nodded.
"Do you have to discuss manufacturing a talking toilet with such academic seriousness?" the Count felt he wasn't suited to be here – because now even he was starting to think making a talking toilet seemed like an interesting proposition. This one person and one painting were clearly influencing his sense of normalcy.
Just two days later, Cohen and Nicolas had worked out a plan to give the toilet a soul.
"You mean, you're going to use Transfiguration Charms to turn two field mice into toilets, then intervene manually at the critical point between their mouse and toilet forms to breed a 'little toilet,' keep transforming the little toilet back into a field mouse, and then breed that with a field mouse that was originally a regular toilet via Transfiguration to produce a third-generation toilet, and through various things and methods I don't understand, make this third-generation toilet inherit the characteristics of the previous two generations, and finally add the remaining bit of the Elixir of Life..."
The Count summarized Cohen's ongoing experiment in one breath.
"Precisely," Cohen said. "Not a single field mouse was harmed in this experiment, because you ate them last night."
"I ATE THREE TOILETS?!" the Count shrieked.
"They were essentially mice," Cohen corrected. "The regular toilet that was once Transfigured and the third-gen toilet I created are the ones that are 'essentially toilets' at their core."
"And you used the Elixir of Life!" the Count said, fuming. "Nicolas said there was hardly any left!"
"I don't need it, and Nicolas doesn't either," Cohen said. "That tiny bit of Elixir would only let someone live a few more decades at most. It's not very meaningful."
"But using the Elixir of Life for a talking toilet—"
"—Now that is far more meaningful," Cohen stated solemnly. "This toilet will be with me for a very, very long time, effectively preventing me from suddenly getting bored in the future and deciding to go pick a fight. Furthermore, this toilet will be the first talking toilet in history with its own soul, unique thoughts, and perpetual survival independent of a physical body – unless it sprays my backside with water. In that case, I'd unfortunately have to put it down."
"This chapter has gone completely bonkers, hasn't it?" the Count said dryly.
"Almost ready," Cohen said. "I think it'll be done absorbing that vial of Elixir in about fifteen minutes."
Before Cohen was a white, seemingly ordinary sitting toilet – it wasn't connected to any plumbing – which was exactly how Cohen wanted it, as he might need to move it to any place he might live for a long time. With built-in Vanishing Charm runes and an automatically replenishing Aguamenti Charm, the flushing problem was completely solved.
Now the crucial point was whether the language translation rune would work on this toilet – Nicolas had tinkered this translation rune himself, originally to make travelling in unfamiliar, different-language areas easier, saving study time.
Cohen placed Nicolas's book in a spot where he could easily see the toilet in the centre of the workshop. One person and one painting waited quietly for the toilet's first words.
"Anyone need to take a dump?"
A muffled voice came from inside the toilet's U-bend.