I wasn’t seeing things.
My eyes were fine. They weren’t playing tricks.
It was true. It really happened.
Malthus killed forty-six Heroes in one swing.
One clean, godless, merciless swing.
Their heads dropped to the ground like overripe apples in a cursed orchard.
Their eyes still gawked at me, wide open, as if asking, "My lord... what happened?"
They were alive a second ago. Forty-six! Not forty-five, not forty-seven — forty-six!
I counted. I counted them like school attendance. And every single one was now absent forever.
Yamete had a sister. What will I say to her? What answer will I give her? Who will make her wet now?
But will I even get a chance to say anything at all?
Ted Bundy. He died. What will I tell that old woman now? That the man who made her feel like a girl again is no more?
His fishing rod lay next to his head — stiff, still, as if mourning.
He caught nothing today. Not even life.
John Cena? His head was right there too.
And you know it’s serious if you can finally see John Cena.
Viagra was also dead. Not even his name can make him stand up now.
Ginseng was the same. Dead.
The guy who always begged me to visit his shady massage parlor?
I should’ve gone. I should’ve let him oil me up once. Once.
Ooga Booga, Goo Goo, Gaa Gaa, these three heroes also lost their lives.
Virgin was dead, hopefully, not as a virgin.
Woof died. Poor bastard didn’t even get one proper woof out before dying.
Rudolf Ziggler died too. He was a painter. He was rejected from the art school so he became a Hero.
Johnson Oil also stopped breathing.
Mother Figure. He was also a Hero and he was also dead.
Father Fucker. He was Mother Figure’s brother. All the fathers of the kingdom were afraid of him. But he died as well.
Western Veggies died too. His father’s name was Easter Eggs. What will I say to him now? How will tell him that his son is dead? He was beheaded!
Small-E. Tiny, adorable, and now, headless.
One more Hero named Taplop died like the others.
Amazon was dead. He had a whole underground store and a Prime Pass for me.
Who’s gonna deliver my junk now??
Bermuda Hexagon. A chiseled face young Hero lost his life too under Malthus’ sword.
Unplanned. One more Hero was dead. What will I say to his parents? Even if he was unplanned, they would still feel sad for him. The source of this content ɪs novęlfire.net
One more Hero named Untitled. He also died. His tombstone’s gonna look like a Windows pop-up error.
The Random Hero died. Random was his name.
Minor died too. He was thirty two years old. I used to roast him for being called Minor.
Now he’s... a major loss.
Adult Napper also died. He had a son named Kid Napper. What will I tell that kid? I can’t face him.
Peasant Kong died. His father, King Kong, lost his fortune and pride.
Now he’ll lose his son too. How much can one monkey-man take?
And Only ACs. This Hero was a kind-hearted man. He used to share his nudes without even asking. I told him to replace ACs from Fans in his name. But he never listened.
Three heroes named Him, They, Them. All three of them died. Sons of a strict grammar nerd named Grammar. About the Hero named Him, when he was a kid everyone used to say, ’Bro is him.’ So he chose this name for himself and now, looking at his severed head, I can honestly say,
Misstake and Misustake. These two Heroes died alongside each other.
The Hero, Reason For Condoms. He died the same. His parents weren’t very fond of him and I secretly admire their creativity while assigning a name for their child. But I know. They would surely be sad now for losing their child.
Under Giver. This Hero also died. He used to run his finger under his throat very often. Malthus saved him the trouble today.
Captain Obvious. This Hero died too. The man who once warned me "Stubbing your toe will hurt" — and was absolutely right . He was a genius. He always knew what was going to happen. How could he not see Malthus’ sword coming?
Another Hero, Pdf Folder, deleted too. No recycle bin in real life. No Ctrl+Z for us.
The Hero, Blue Film, also died. His dream was to become a director. He was planning to make an adult film and I had to bribe him with a double salary to cast me as the main lead. Now who will make that movie? Now who will fulfill that sacred dream? Why did you go, Blue Film?
One more Hero, Cum Shot. He died like the others too. His dream was to make his children slide on the best water slide possible. So one day I asked him where the best slide was.
He smirked and said: "Your throat, my lord."
...Thinking back, Malthus may have done us all a favor here.
And then there was this last Hero. A bald one. His name was Johnny Virtuous. He had not committed any sins for all his life. Never even Jaywalked. Supreme Man, make sure this guy reaches heaven. He was a gem. He deserves it.
I understand listing all their names wasn’t the best way to spend critical seconds.
But this was the least I could do.
To immortalize them — not just as fallen heroes, but as my friends who stood with me in a dire time.
After watching those forty-six heads roll...
Me, Sexis, and Erect froze stiff.
The citizens, the onlookers from their homes, the drunkards in taverns — all fell silent.
Not even a single gasp.
Even the air was holding its breath.
Because at that moment, everyone realized one brutal truth:
The shit has officially gotten real.