Soon, the heat in my head began to cool.
This didn’t make sense.
I had to question it.
The chances were high that this was just my imagination.
Shihu couldn’t actually be here.
Getting too happy wasn’t good.
Experience had taught me that.
The moment I tried to enjoy something, everything would reset—
Right back to the beginning of my suffering.
I’d probably find out soon.
Maybe I wasn’t hugging Shihu at all.
Maybe this was just another hallucination.
"I'm sorry I’m late."
Where had he been?
Why was he only coming back now?
I had so many questions.
But there was no point in asking.
There was no guarantee that this was the real Shihu.
And if it was?
If this was really him—
Then he must have had his reasons.
"......"
What was I supposed to say?
I was afraid that if I spoke, I’d ruin everything.
It felt like a dream.
And not just as a figure of speech.
If you asked too much in a dream, you woke up.
"...Seo Ah?"
Fear crept in, swallowing me whole.
I didn’t want to go back to reality.
This was just setting me up for disappointment.
"......"
I had no idea what to say.
Should I tell him not to go?
The last time I said that, he disappeared.
What should I say?
What should I say—
I held him tightly.
I had to make sure he was real.
I wanted to beg him not to disappear.
"It’s okay."
But the moment I said it, it wasn’t okay.
I had figured out this world’s rules.
Every time I said something hopeful, the universe spat in my face.
So I couldn’t say anything.
Maybe I should say something bad instead.
That I didn’t believe him?
But if I said something bad,
then it would have real consequences.
So I stayed silent.
Neutral. I had to be neutral.
"Mm."
Was that neutral enough?
I was afraid to say what I wanted.
Everything I had ever cherished had been crushed.
Someone was laughing at me.
Mocking me.
Asking if I still thought I could hold onto anything when everything I loved had already been trampled.
"...Sorry."
Shihu reached out and patted my head.
An apology meant to comfort,
not an apology for the tragedy yet to come.
That’s what it felt like.
It had to be.
This was my last chance to find hope.
I wouldn’t think about what happened after that.
If I endured long enough, this would be the last time.
So please.
Please.
Just once.
Let me talk to Shihu.
But if I wished for it like this, the universe would ignore me.
So I couldn’t even make a wish.
Maybe I could find happiness for a little while.
But there would be a price.
Nothing ever came for free.
"Heh..."
If there had to be a price, the world would take it eventually.
So I would stay with him a little longer.
***
A little longer, I had thought.
But somehow, we ended up eating together.
Watching a movie together.
Work?
My boss told me to take the day off.
I hadn’t expected to spend so much time with Shihu.
We hadn’t talked much.
But it was nice, even in silence.
I was happy that he wasn’t busy.
That he had time to be with me.
The more time passed, the clearer it became.
This was a date.
I had wondered why there were so many couples around.
I was still scared.
What if I had come here alone,
ordered food for two,
and was just talking to the air?
I had seen hallucinations of Shihu before.
What if I was just doing it again?
That fear kept me from talking too much.
I was happy.
But what if I had really eaten alone?
Watched the movie alone?
If that was the case, then… there was nothing I could do.
Were people laughing at me?
Or was it just paranoia?
Or maybe—maybe this whole situation was just another delusion.
We stepped outside and walked along the riverside path.
The streetlights shone beautifully.
"...Shihu."
"Yeah?"
"Look, a puppy."
I shaped my hands into a shadow puppet.
A dog.
I couldn’t even remember when I had learned this.
Thinking about it,
the fact that I was playing with my own shadow like this felt… pathetic.
"That’s cute."
"And now, a bird."
I only knew two shapes.
"...Sorry. It’s boring, huh?"
"It’s not."
There was nothing I could do.
I had stopped growing a long time ago.
I didn’t know what people my age talked about anymore.
"Did I… look normal? Like a regular person? Did I seem okay?"
A normal person wouldn’t be mumbling to themselves.
Maybe this wasn’t even a conversation.
Maybe it was just my own thoughts playing out.
"But hey, I didn’t take anything today. I don’t look sick, right? Right? You weren’t embarrassed to be with me, were you?"
If no one had been with me in the first place,
then there wouldn’t be a problem.
So maybe… maybe I was worrying about nothing.
"Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked."
"Don’t apologize. You’re not weird. Not at all. There’s nothing to worry about."
It was a nice thing to hear.
Which only made it clearer.
This wasn’t real.
A hallucination.
A voice in my head.
An illusion created by my own wishful thinking.
The possibilities were endless.
And soon, this would end.
No matter how long a dream lasted, it never lasted beyond a day.
No matter how strong a hallucination was, it never stayed forever.
We kept walking.
The stars were beautiful.
The moon reflected on the river was beautiful.
I was probably walking alone.
Even if it didn’t feel that way.
"Hold my hand?"
I asked Shihu.
Would he disappear the moment I touched him?
I reached out.
And he held my hand.
"Hehe..."
It felt nice.
I could hold my friend’s hand.
It was comforting.
And terrifying.
Because deep down, I knew.
I was alone.
Walking hand in hand with Shihu should have made me happy.
But instead, it made me scared.
I knew I was broken.
But knowing didn’t fix anything.
I knew I shouldn’t take drugs.
But I still did.
I knew Shihu shouldn’t have pushed himself too far.
I knew relying on someone too much was dangerous.
But knowing didn’t stop me.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know that Shihu isn’t here.
But what am I supposed to do when it feels like he is?
"Shihu."
"Yeah, Seo Ah?"
"It’s time to end this, isn’t it?"
"...What?"
"Thank you. For coming."
Had he really come?
"But let’s forget about this now."
Let’s become mature adults.
I couldn’t keep clinging to the past forever.
I wouldn’t hold onto him anymore.
Even if—by some miracle—this really was the real Shihu.
What if I was forcing my existence on him?
Forcing him to stay with me.
Like garbage that wouldn’t go away.
Like some piece of useless, broken trash.
Being stuck with trash was suffering.
Eating with trash, watching a movie with trash, dating trash, holding hands with trash.
This wasn’t where I belonged.
"Goodbye."
In the end, I was always alone.
It was inevitable.
I let go of Shihu’s hand.
And walked away.
Think about it.
Which was worse?
Talking to someone who wasn’t there?
Or doubting whether someone beside you was even real?
Neither was good.
That’s what I’m saying.
For some reason, my mind was working well today.
The stars were beautiful.
This place was nice.
The path along the river was well-kept, and there wasn’t a single person around.
Alone.
Being alone was terrifying.
Honestly, everything was.
I hated the feeling of being truly, completely alone.
"...No, actually, I don’t want you to go."
I was alone.
I had let go of his hand.
He was still behind me.
If I turned around, he’d be gone.
I was too scared to look.
"I hope you didn’t go... I really do..."
It was just me talking to myself.
I knew that.
I knew, but I didn’t want to confirm it.
"I wanted to spend more time with you..."
Even if I had become nothing but trash.
Even if I was ruined beyond repair.
Couldn’t I have just one person who would stay with me?
Just one friend?
If I had never had one, it would’ve been fine—
But why did they give me one, only to take him away?
"......"
Silence.
The wind was cold.
Only pain remained.
When happiness disappeared, pain was all that was left.
This was why you couldn’t take happiness for granted.
The price was always too much to bear.
This was a world that had ended in a bad ending.
This was the epilogue.
A final, pathetic mercy for the trash left behind.
So I—
I, I, I, I, I—
I…
I should just accept this life.
Accept that my friend was dead.
Accept that everything was over.
"Not leaving."
Who said that?
An unmistakable voice came from behind me.
"I’m not disappearing. I want to stay with you."
Shihu’s face—
He looked like he was about to cry.
"...Eh?"
Why wasn’t he gone?
It had to be a hallucination.
It was a hallucination.
A fake.
Not real.
I knew that.
I knew.
"I’m real."
No, he wasn’t.
He was saying that because I wouldn’t believe it.
I already knew what would happen.
The moment I believed him—
He’d disappear, laughing at me for being an idiot.
There was no way a story this convenient could exist.
"Sh-Shihu is dead. He’s gone. This is fake. You should disappear. You’re not real. This isn’t possible."
My mind was breaking.
Or maybe someone was intentionally trying to deceive me.
Somewhere deep inside, I wanted this to be the truth.
I wanted this to be real.
I wanted this to be real.
"Back then… I’m sorry I left you behind."
A disgusting, mocking voice was about to sneer at me.
Look at this idiot still clinging to hope.
Do you really believe this cheap hallucination?
Are you having fun living in delusion?
You just want to keep dreaming forever, don’t you?
"I actually wanted to stay with you."
Stop talking.
I was going to believe it.
This was why I hadn’t spoken before.
Because if I let myself have this conversation—
I would start hoping again.