"I-I..." Words caught in Julius’ throat.
His mind trembled and the beliefs he had tightly clutched to keep despair away shattered upon hearing Arun’s words—Adam’s words.
When had he started to mislead himself? Was it when he saw his former teachers and students younger than him die, or was it even before?
’Help others if you can, especially those who showed you kindness.’ The words reverberated in his mind, juxtaposing themselves with the ship’s terrible situation.
Arun and Asha were right. Death grazed their backs with each battle, and even if they could repel the initial tier-four magical beasts, the closer they journeyed to the province’s southern edges, the stronger the invading creatures became.
Yesterday, a tier six deep-sea horror leading dozens of tier five creatures had appeared. And perhaps today there will be two, then five tomorrow.
He knew that only the arcanists and Elena could defend the ship against them, while the students and teachers sacrificed their lives to thin out the weaker ones. His heart throbbed at the thought, but they were cannon fodders here to buy time until their main attack force returned.
Perhaps that was the reason he refused to give up. No... He was still veiling his face behind a fake mask of self-sacrifice—shrouding his heart in righteous light so blinding that he wouldn’t have to see the darkness.
But Louise’s near-death experience acted like a thunderstrike that confronted him with his fears, regrets, and the truth that still haunted him like an insidious wraith clawing at his mind, poisoning it a little more each day with insidious whispers.
’You’re insufficient. Traitor! How can you watch your reflection in a glass? You said you’d protect them in his stead? More. You must do more!’
He clenched his chest, shuddering at the cruel accusations... spoken with his own voice.
As he screamed and panted, Arun and Asha pulled him into a warm, comforting hug.
"Whatever is gnawing at you, Julius, you must let it out." Asha patted his back, tears rolling down her cheeks.
Arun overcame his grief because they relied on each other as fiancés. But Julius? They had waited for him to open up, knowing all along. But they understood he would never share his burdens without a nudge in the right direction.
"I told you yesterday not to doubt and to put your mind together." Arun met Julius’ trembling eyes with a nod. "Forgive yourself."
Julius trembled like a leaf, his hazel eyes blurring. Tears he had tried to suppress gushed out as his voice cracked. "I-I lied to myself and betrayed him. You can’t understand."
Arun gripped his shoulders, his voice a gentle murmur. "No one thinks that."
"What do you know?" Julius struggled to free himself. He was angry, not at them, at himself. "He never gave up on me. You don’t know how much he sacrificed for me. All his burdens, despair of not having his own body, watching me eat when he couldn’t, unseen and unheard for years. Yet I retreated!"
His voice thundered, his deepest regret finally finding a way out of his chest. "I didn’t even check if he survived. I’m a traitor!"
He huffed, his tears flowing over his trembling cheeks like two endless rivers. "You know what’s worse? I convinced myself to trust a lying manipulator who killed my grandfather just to feel better. He survived? Hahaha! I’m just a fool. Leave. The both of you. Leave!"
"No!" Arun gripped him tighter, almost pushing him back. "It’s not your fault. You hear me?" He spelt each word with utmost solemness. "It’s. Not. Your. Fault."
They locked gaze for a second, anger, guilt, and trust fighting for dominance before Julius’ arms lost strength. Crying his heart out, he collapsed on Arun.
"We’re here for you. Take the time you need," Arun said, Asha nodding.
"It’s something only you can do. But we’ll protect you from yourself if you choose to continue on this self-destructing path. We care for you like family, as do Louise, your mom, Shepard, Nova, and Morgane. Don’t face this challenge alone and rely on us."
Julius nodded slowly, feeling the invisible weight that had crushed his heart a little more each day lessen.
He sorted his emotions, grappling with his pain in his friends’ embraces for ten minutes before he pulled back.
His eyes red, he smiled. "Sorry, and... thank you."
Arun grinned back, raising his fist. "The only thanks we’ll accept is seeing you recover. Those are the hardest wounds to heal, you know?"
He bumped Arun’s fist. "I’ll need time to accept he might never return."
Asha added her fist with a soft smile. "You did the hardest by opening your heart. Forget about things you can’t control and always prioritise yourself."
Julius listened to their advice and concerns until the battle noises outside faded.
A moment later, Shepard unlocked the door and sighed in relief upon seeing them chat on the bed.
He entered, crouched before Julius, and ruffled his brown hair. "You’re prohibited from fighting or going to the council room until we land in three days. Use this time to fill the gap in your heart. Talk with your mother, leave this lonely room and spend some time with the other summoned. I-I..."
He closed his eyes and lowered his face. "I’m selfish, too. Even if everyone dies, I’ll give my life to ensure you survive." A steely glint flashed in his eyes as he reopened them. "I’m serious. Next time you endanger yourself, I’ll lock you up for a month."
"I understand." Julius nodded before a frown creased his brows. "But tell me. Did big brother matter that much to you?"
Shepard lingered, memories of the smirking ghost, who had upturned his worldviews, flashing before his eyes.
"He did," he answered, his voice barely audible. "As you do."
Before Julius answered, he rose and walked to the door, his voice cracking. "Arun, Asha, never take your eyes off of him."
After he left, they continued to talk for a moment before their grumbling stomachs monopolised their attention. Feeling much better, they fetched Alina and shared a heartwarming dinner.
They met Anya and Aurelius, then went to check on Louise. Unfortunately, they found her sleeping, a pained grimace twisting her otherwise beautiful face.
It tore Julius’ heart to see her like that, prompting him to vow never to put his friends at risk because of him as he accompanied Asha and Arun to spend the night.