Barnaby the gnome inspector stared at the warm towel being offered by Sloosh the slime. He then looked at the heroic plush knight, Sir Crumplebuns, who was standing at attention.
He took a long, deep breath. He sounded like a man who had dealt with too much nonsense for one day.
He pushed his glasses up his nose and tried to look serious.
"Right," he said, clicking his pen. "First on my list: How scary is the entrance?"
He looked around the gently lit cave and the welcoming Tea Nook. He made a note on his clipboard.
"The room feels... ’pleasant’," he mumbled to himself. "This is a problem. The intimidation score is zero."
FaeLina, hiding behind my core, made a small, sad sound. "We failed the first point! I told you we needed some skulls!"
"Next," Barnaby continued. "Second on my list: Check the local monsters. Let’s start with... the fluffy one." He pointed his pen at Sir Crumplebuns.
"I am Sir Crumplebuns, Knight of the Fluff Guard!" the doll announced in his big, heroic voice. "I protect good dreams!"
Barnaby sighed and flipped through a book of monsters attached to his clipboard. "There’s no ’Fluff Guard’ in here. What are your attacks?"
"My hugs are very strong!" Sir Crumplebuns said proudly.
The gnome paused his writing. "...’Hugs’," he repeated slowly. He then wrote on his paper, Attack style: Hugs. ᴛʜɪs ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ɪs ᴜᴘᴅᴀᴛᴇ ʙʏ novｅlfire.net
He then turned to Sloosh. "And this... jelly waiter?"
Sloosh wobbled happily.
Barnaby wrote, Danger level: Minimal. Main skill: Good service.
"Moving on," he said, wanting to get his job done. "Third thing: Traps. Show me the main trap in your dungeon."
I put a little bit of light on my best trap: The Field of Tranquil Slumber.
Barnaby walked over to the moss patch carefully. He poked it with his pen. It jiggled. He bent down and smelled it.
"Is that... lavender?" he mumbled, and wrote it down. Trap Type: Makes people sleepy with nice smells.
"A sleepy trap!" FaeLina whispered, suddenly excited. "We might get a point for that! A tiny one!"
"And the second floor?" Barnaby asked, looking at the stairs.
Sir Crumplebuns proudly led him down to the Hibernation Hollows. The gnome stopped at the bottom of the stairs. He looked up at the magical star ceiling, listened to the soft, sleepy music, and stared at the rooms filled with wiggling Pillow Fiends.
His professional look finally broke.
"There are no spikes," he whispered to himself, completely shocked. "No pits. No arrows. The only danger here is falling asleep and missing your appointments."
He looked completely beaten by how comfortable the room was. He sat down heavily on a nearby bench. A friendly Pillow Fiend slid closer to him.
"Alright," Barnaby said to the whole room, his voice tired. "I need a cup of that tea. Right now. And I’m making the Ministry pay for it."
A few minutes later, he was sitting in the Tea Nook, drinking a ’Moment of Peace’. He looked much more relaxed. He stared at his clipboard, which was now covered in confused notes.
"Dungeon Core," he said. "This place breaks about 283 rules for being a dungeon. By the book, I should shut you down."
FaeLina held her breath.
"But," Barnaby went on, taking another sip of tea, "the DLRB has a new, special type of label. It’s called ’Sanctuary Class.’ We give it to places that have a real, helpful effect on adventurers, even if they aren’t deadly."
He pointed his head towards Daisy the Druid, who was still napping peacefully in the corner. "Your ’Calmness’ score is the highest ever recorded. I have to give this report to my bosses."
He stood up to leave.
"Don’t change anything," he said, and for the first time, a small, tired smile touched his face. "This is the weirdest report I’ve ever written. My bosses are going to completely freak out."
And with that, he left the dungeon.
FaeLina looked at me, her mind blown.
"So..." she said. "We passed the inspection? By being the worst, most rule-breaking dungeon he’s ever seen?"
I didn’t need to answer. A feeling of calm, cozy victory was enough.