Looking into Eva's eyes, which held nothing but him, Christian suddenly found himself lost in his thoughts, even though at first they seemed unrelated. He had told himself before that he shouldn't be swept away by circumstances anymore, especially after confiding in his sister. But now, in this moment, he felt like he was going against that decision.
At this moment, he found himself unconsciously comparing Eva's breasts to his sister's while kissing her, after all. Even, while, his other hand, resting on her stomach, inched lower, preparing for what might come next.
Of course, it wasn't that he didn't want to advance their relationship, but he felt that the current situation wasn't right for it. He believed he should be fully focused on her, with no distractions, nothing like what he was experiencing now. As after recalling his sister and the events from that morning, those memories seemed to replay over and over in his mind.
That also made him realize he wasn't progressing things solely because he wanted her but also because he was venting his frustration and grievance. It felt as though he was pouring all the suppressed emotions of the past two days onto her. Moreover, despite all the progress he had made, the situation remained a mess, with too many things happening at once. Losing himself in her embrace felt like a temporary escape, after all.
Most importantly, he knew that had he backed away as soon as he woke up and found his hand on his sister's breast, instead of fondling them, things wouldn't have escalated to this point with Eva.
And despite everything, the slight guilt he felt toward his sister was just because she was asleep, there was no sense of disgust or guilt because she was his sister, and realizing that made him feel frustrated.
Knowing that he would normally have taken things slowly with Eva, yet still escalated things to this extent, made it seem as if he was trying to distract himself from the desire to do more with his sister by doing even more with Eva, and that made him feel like shit, even if he knew deep inside that it was not .
'Is doing this really right?' he couldn't help but question himself.
As Christian's thoughts became more chaotic, Eva, noticing the shift in his gaze, once filled with nothing but, lust and desperation, now holding something softer, likely concern, waited until the kiss ended, and while still breathing heavily, she parted her small, glistening lips and said.
"Christian, I don't know what you're thinking, but if the person on the receiving end of your actions is alright with whatever you're doing, then is there really a need to overthink things?"
"Is there a need to complicate things?"
Her question hit the mark, and noticing the seriousness in both her tone, and her expression that didn't seem right, Christian couldn't help but pause everything he was doing.
He deliberated on her question, considering its content slowly and carefully, before finally replying,
"It's not about complicating things; it's more about having the right mindset."
Hearing him, Eva's expression twisted further, as she wondered if it had to do with what had happened with the assassin. She also thought that perhaps he had discovered something about her background, something that was now troubling him. As it seemed at first like he was trying to run away from something, losing himself in her. Unable to hold it back any longer, she spoke, her words seeming to vent her feelings and shake off the guilt she was carrying.
"Why does the act of making love always have to be about pure tenderness and affection?"
"Who decided it should only be done that way to feel right?"
"You want me, and I want you just the same, regardless of the reason, is that not enough?"
'I didn't say it was to that extent, though!'
Christian muttered to himself internally as he processed Eva's exaggerated questions. Once again, his mind wandered to the night the assassin came, remembering that she had also been in the vicinity of his house at that time. He couldn't help but think that perhaps she was blaming herself in some way.
The fact that they hadn't talked at all yesterday, something that had become rare recently, likely played a part in her agitation.
Even then, or perhaps more so because of how she was acting, Christian felt his mind cool down. So, he sighed and said, "Going by what we desire, regardless of the reason, like you said, I don't think it's necessarily wrong."
Christian paused, feeling Eva's warm body beneath his own, and looking at her and continued.
"But still, acting out of desperation, for a reason other than simply wanting the other person, could still be seen as wrong."
"Well, at least, I would like to treasure my first time with you more."
As Christian asked, he watched Eva's expression. She stayed silent, her small lips finally pouting, as if sulking, refusing to say anything.
He couldn't help but notice how cute and adorable Eva was, more so than ever, in that moment, and with her current expression, she looked even younger and more childish than him, making him feel a strong urge to kiss her again.
But Eva, not giving him the chance, tightened her grip around his neck, pulling him closer and hugging him tightly, whispering,
"Let's stay for a moment."
Feeling the softness beneath him and inhaling the sweet scent of Eva's body, Christian briefly feared he might be too heavy for her. Yet, in the end, he simply surrounded his body to her.
Strangely, now that his head became clearer, he felt like delaying things was really the right choice.
If previously, he had been delaying things because he didn't want to face them head-on and was seemingly running from the consequences, this time, it was the opposite. After all, he was delaying things in order to face them properly.
After some time had passed, Christian felt that keeping things was really wrong, so he rolled over, placing Eva on top of him instead.
He didn't know that for Eva, his weight and presence on top of her were just right, as it was a testament, a proof, that he was still there, safe and sound, after all.
Still, for Christian, looking at the top of Eva's head, buried in his neck, and brushing her long blonde hair that kept falling, while gently patting her back in his other hand, felt more comforting.