"Kakashi, I'm suddenly feeling an overwhelming urge to murder someone."
Nara Kazuki stared at the answer to the riddle, then back at the door marked with the same number. His lips twitched.
His fury began to surge.
He never expected the damn riddle's solution to be... the same room they were already standing in. Which meant the ANBU interview location had been right there from the start.
"I get it," Kakashi muttered, equally annoyed. "These guys are just bored out of their minds."
What should've been a simple recruitment into ANBU turned into a brain-teaser. And if you're gonna include riddles, at least make them good riddles. Instead, this felt like some clueless middle manager tacking on useless procedures just to look productive.
"Enough complaining."
The door creaked open.
A man wearing a fox mask and full ANBU gear stood inside, exuding competence.
"I'm Fox," the man said after giving Kazuki a once-over. He stepped aside and motioned for them to enter.
"Does ANBU come with some kind of weird corporate culture?" Kazuki mused as they walked in. "Like... rules about not kissing your superior or something?"
The interior was even more bizarre. Instead of looking like an office or briefing room, it resembled a torture chamber. Racks, chains, restraints—it felt more like an interrogation facility.
"ANBU has its own code. First thing you'll do is read this."
Fox dropped a thick book onto the table—
It was a single sheet of paper.
"Sir, I believe this is just... paper," Kazuki said, raising an eyebrow.
Fox didn't respond. He simply patted the table.
Kazuki picked up the sheet and read:
1. Obey orders. Complete missions. Do not disobey.
2. ANBU has no rules.
"...You messing with me?" Kazuki slapped the table. "This is some kind of cursed logic puzzle, huh?"
The first rule was fair. But the second one completely contradicted it. What kind of back-alley philosophy was this?
"There are plenty of rules," Fox replied calmly. "But you're not full members yet. So I'm not allowed to show them to you."
Kakashi's eyelid twitched. A very bad feeling began to settle in his stomach.
He was already stuck with one lunatic—Kazuki. Now their prospective squad leader seemed to be just as deranged.
How was he supposed to survive this?
"Don't worry," Fox grinned. "I'm easy to get along with."
He slid two cups of black tea across the table.
Kazuki raised an eyebrow. "Is this gonna knock me out or something?"
Kakashi shifted uncomfortably in his seat. This was supposed to be an ANBU assignment, but the atmosphere felt like a weird sitcom pilot.
"Sharp instincts," Fox replied, impressed.
Kazuki glanced down at the tea again.
Kakashi, who had just taken a sip, choked and coughed it back out.
"Relax, Kakashi. I know you're eager, but let's take our time."
Kazuki sighed and drank his tea anyway.
He didn't believe it was real knockout tea. No way they'd sedate new recruits on day one—ANBU wasn't that messed up.
Fox then handed each of them a registration form.
Name, gender, age, birthday, home address—the usual.
"This form's just a formality," Fox said casually, leaning back. "The moment the Hokage confirmed your assignment, you became ANBU. But we still need these filled out."
Kazuki's eyes narrowed. "So what you're saying is... this is just a form to make sure we know where to send our remains?"
He'd heard Uncle Suzaku mention something like that the other day.
Fox gave a wistful sigh, pulling out a stack of old photos.
"I used to have five different squads," he said. "Now I'm the only one left."
Kazuki and Kakashi leaned over to look.
Each picture had three people in it. Every single one featured someone in a fox mask—Fox himself. The others wore different masks.
The infamous Team-Killer.
Kazuki subtly looked around the room, wondering if Nemesis-Class Transport Hazards were going to show up next.
Resident Evil: Konoha Outbreak — written by Nara Kazuki.
"Are you sure you're the only one still alive?" Kazuki suddenly asked.
Suzaku had told him yesterday that ANBU's casualty rate was only super high during wartime. Most missions in peace weren't that dangerous.
So now Kazuki had his doubts.
"...Okay, fine," Fox relented. "Technically only one of them died in the line of duty. The rest just retired. So yes, I'm the only one still active in ANBU."
He spread his hands with a smile.
Kakashi inhaled sharply.
His future... felt darker by the second.
So this is my teammate. A man who summarizes five people leaving ANBU—four by resignation, one by death—as "I'm the only survivor."
A Master of Oversimplification.
Kazuki had a thousand sarcastic comebacks on the tip of his tongue, but held back. In the end, he and Kakashi were officially assigned to a three-man ANBU squad under Fox.
They'd now receive direct mission orders from the Hokage himself.
"...Something feels off," Kakashi muttered as they walked through the village.
They were en route to their first assignment briefing.
Fox walked ahead of them, humming slightly.
"Yeah. Weird vibe, huh?" Kazuki chuckled.
Their new captain was strange—but generous. He'd even offered to treat them both to yakiniku after the mission.
"Exactly. Doesn't feel professional at all," Kakashi sighed, glancing at Kazuki.
He couldn't shake the feeling.
Something about Fox's energy... it matched Kazuki's too well.
They were both completely on the same chaotic wavelength.