"Six years ago, when you met me, I was also heartbroken. You were so devoted to staying by my side, but I never fell in love with you! Can’t you understand why?" Lu Yinchu asked her, his voice calm.
Panic flickered in Han Qing’s eyes, "Maybe, maybe I didn’t do well enough..."
Lu Yinchu shook his head, "No, it’s not that you didn’t do well enough! It’s simply that you’ve never been in my sight, in my heart. Thus, whether you did well or otherwise has nothing to do with me."
Han Qing’s body shivered, her fingers tightening around the spine of her book.
"Six years ago, I lost news of Nanxi and my life plunged into amnesia once again. It was then that I met you. Because I was close to Shaojing and you often followed behind him, we thus got closer. I must admit, at times, I sought comfort from you. However, over these six years, has there been anything beyond the boundary of ’friendship’ between us, you and I know well!" Lu Yinchu said.
"So Han Qing, I never felt that I owe you anything, let alone see myself at fault. I gave you the house to assuage my guilt of seeking comfort from you, yet this guilt is the result of your one-sided affection and self-delusion, utterly unrelated to me."
"But you construed my goodwill as evidence of an undeclared relation between us, even blatantly using this non-existent relation to meddle with my life, disrupt my marriage and love life. Han Qing, by what right? Who gave you the audacity and the entitlement to do so?"
Han Qing’s eyes trembled, her face drained of color at this moment, yet wearing a stubborn expression. She chuckled before muttering, "Yes, who gave me the courage? What makes me entitled? What does Han Qing amount to in your life, Lu Yinchu? I’ve given you my entire heart, but what have I received in return? Is there anyone in this world who is truly in love with me? Is there anyone who genuinely cares for me? None, absolutely none! That my life has turned out to be a mess is my own doing, it is all my own fault!"
Her tears fell, "But Yinchu, do you think I wanted it to be ? Do you think I was born this way? Our lives are different. You grew up in a happy and wealthy family, but not me. My mother died in a car crash trying to save me when I was twelve. After that, my father fell into the depths of alcohol and gambling. If he lost money or got drunk, he would beat me, because in his eyes, I was the one who killed my mother. He resented me. He often beat me, cursing that he wished I were the one who had died. He screamed at me, telling me to go die!"
"Back then, how I longed to end it all! But I couldn’t, I refused to give up. I told myself everything was temporary. I believed that I would grow up one day, free myself from my father and walk into a new world with a future. I studied hard and worked hard. No matter how badly my father beat me, I never cried or dodged. I had to be strong, to be brave. I convinced myself as long as I survived, the future would be better!"
Han Qing smiled, "Such a life, incredible, isn’t it? Shocking, isn’t it? You certainly haven’t gone through anything , right? Yet even greater despair was still to come. I finally graduated from university, but kept experiencing setbacks in my career. The future was not as promising as I envisioned. I went to job interviews but couldn’t afford a decent outfit. I got a suit on rent, but it didn’t fit me well. When the interviewers saw me, I often heard them sigh as if pitying me. Some perverts even tried to take advantage of me! I was genuinely desperate then. For ten long years, from twelve to twenty-two, I had never lost hope, but at that moment, I succumbed!"
"Then, my cousin appeared. He said he would take me away to make my dreams come true, to change my life. I agreed. When I arrived in H City, my heart was filled with hope, anxiety, and a faint excitement. I thought this was where I could change my life and write my own story. But I never expected that one day, you would be part of my story, and you would be the most beautiful part of it!"
Han Qing closed her eyes, a thin mist appeared in her eyes. She said, "Yinchu, do you know how much I wish I were the woman by your side? How hard I have tried to become a woman worthy of you, so I just can’t accept how it has turned out today! That year, I was only twenty-two, just as old as Gu Nanxi is now. I was young, beautiful and hardworking. I learned all kinds of etiquette, read exhaustively to cultivate my mind, adapted to a new environment and work, and equally hard did I try to understand you!"
"I was totally drawn towards you. My life goals and plans all changed because of you. In order to be with you, I transformed myself into a nearly perfect woman, to the point I no longer resembled myself... I tried so hard, so incredibly hard, but why can’t you look at me, love me even once? Why can’t you love me?"
"Love?" Lu Yinchu scoffed, shaking his head, "No, Han Qing, that’s not love, and you don’t understand what love is. To truly love someone means, regardless of their looks, personality, flaws, mistakes, you still love them, unchanged, unchanging. You say you became a perfect woman for me, but unfortunately, I didn’t see your perfection. Instead, all I see now is a part of you that I loathe and dislike. Is this the result you wanted?"