Years, actual years, passed by before I finally gathered my guts and started the conversation to talk about us.
I stared at my phone screen for a long time, unblinking.
Our last message was on May the 2nd, when he wished me a happy birthday, and it was now December. It's been more or less half a year since that last birthday text. And it's been about 3 years since we had a proper talk.
I think the fact that I didn't need to face him anymore after we graduated high school really helped me build up the courage to start a chat with him.
K: Hey.
I typed, hitting the send button without giving myself a chance to rethink what I'm doing.
I quickly locked my phone and put it away, face down, as if that would lessen my anxiety.
I sat in the moving car, my phone sitting beside me as I tried my best to ignore its presence. I stared out the window and counted the trees that passed by in a blur.
I heard the faint vibration of my phone and I quickly opened it up to look at my notifications.
Nothing.
There was no new messages.
I sighed, my body slumping against the car seat as I once again looked out the window. I rested my head against the head rest and let myself get lost in my own world.
I wasn't even surprised that there were no messages although I thought I heard my phone vibrate.
Hallucinations. Delusions.
I've experienced having thought that I heard my phone vibrate even though it didn't ever since I stopped talking to Alex.
It's funny, don't you think? How someone else can have such a big impact on one's life.
It wasn't even a parent, a sibling, or any family member; hell, it wasn't even like someone had died. But I guess going crazy didn't make excuses for anyone.
I was on my way home from the mall after meeting up with some friends. When I'm preoccupied, this side of me, the hallucinating, gloomy side of me, has never appeared before; especially in front of my friends.
Or at least that was what I thought until 3 years ago, one of my friends who knew me since we were in middle school stood beside me as we waited for our cars to pick us up and said, "You know you look depressed lately, Kate?"
I had looked at her in confusion. I never thought I was depressed.
In fact, I never thought.
I never tried to label what I was feeling when I was alone and thinking of old memories.
I gave her an unsure smile, "Depressed?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "Ever since you stopped being close to Alex. You look depressed. You used to be bubbly and cheerful and suddenly it's like you lost your light."
My smile slowly fell as her words sunk in.
That's when I realized; that does sound like me lately.
I wondered around like a zombie and didn't smile as much as I used to.
I thought I was hiding it well from everyone else but I guess I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was.
It's quite embarrassing actually.
He wasn't even a boyfriend or anything like it.
I didn't understand at that time that losing a best friend was supposed to hurt more than breaking up with a lover.
I didn't understand that what I was feeling was justifiable.
Suddenly, my phone vibrated beside me.
The funny thing about me and my hallucinations is that despite falling for it for so many times and getting disappointed countlessly, I continue to fall for it without missing a beat.
But this time, the vibration was real.
A: Hi
K: Long time no talk.
A: Yeah
K: What've you been up to?
A: Nothing much.
A: You?
K: Nothing
A: Oh
I didn't know what to reply that with or what to ask.
I didn't even know what I was thinking when I started this chat.
Oh wait, I didn't think.
Deciding to cut to the chase, being someone who doesn't like to beat around the bush, I quickly typed up what I needed to know.
K: There's actually something I'd like to ask you.
A: Yeah?
For some reason, the car's temperature seemed to have dropped and my whole body started shivering and trembling. I dropped my phone on my lap from how bad my hand was trembling. I bit my lip and gritted my teeth to stop them from chattering.
I didn't know why I was reacting so strongly towards it but I could only guess that it's because of my fears.
I've been clinging onto our memories and I knew that asking this question will be like cutting off the rope that I've been hanging onto.
But this was necessary.
Even I could tell that my mental health wasn't at it's best anymore.
I needed to fix myself and this was step one.
I clasped my hands together and breathed slowly whilst closing my eyes.
Once I've slightly calmed down, I started typing again.
K: Why do you think we stopped being close?
I typed up an explanation but stopped myself before I could send it.
No, I'm asking to know what he think, period.
Nothing more, nothing less.
It's been 3 years since we last confided in each other about anything.
It took me more or less the span of that 3 years to come to terms with the fact that my best friend wasn't there anymore, that we've both changed and that we can never be the same people ever again.
That doesn't mean that we weren't friends. We talk to each other, small talks, greetings. We were on good terms.
But I'm not going to be stupid enough to hope for a reconciliation.
It took 5 minutes before Alex finally gave me a reply.
A: I don't know, Kate. We just didn't connect anymore.
I read his reply.
Despite building up my resolve, despite telling myself that I'm not hoping for us to be close friends again, sadness still crept in and took over my emotions.
I guess feeling sad was inevitable.
K: Yeah, I guess so.
K: I just wanted to ask that and say thank you.
K: Thank you for the memories, I had fun.
I hesitated before typing up the following text.
K: Though I doubt that you remembered them, I'll always remember that I beat you in that showering contest we had.
At the same time that my text was sent, his reply came in.
A: Like that showering contest we had.
I was too shocked at what he had written that I couldn't take my words back.
A: What do you mean you doubt I remembered? Of course I remembered!
I cracked a smile at the text that showed his stubborn and prideful streak.
Over the past 3 years, as the memories of our old friendship tormented me, I'd often wonder if he still thinks about them too from time to time.
Of course the frequency of how much I thought about it lessened with time. After the 2 year mark, I've come to accept that there was no such thing as turning back time; I've come to terms with the fact that I should only look forwards from now on.
Despite the wistfulness that came with Alex's reply on what he thought ended our friendship, I was grateful that I got an answer to the few things that have been looming over me for so long.
So that's what he thought about the end of our friendship.
Ah, so he does remember the memories that our friendship left us with.
I'm content simply with knowing those 2 things.
I can finally choose to remember the funny, sweet and endearing memories that our friendship gave us instead of the pain of its ending.
And that trade-off became my saving grace.