Chapter 542 Worthy (1)
Her words prompted Jin Yun to shake his head slightly. Seemingly having thought of something. He let out a sigh and smiled bitterly.
“Because I wasn’t worthy of you back then…That’s why.”
Gong Yimo raised her brows high.
“Why would you think that?” Then, as if feeling that her sentence wasn’t quite right, she added, “What I mean is, why do you put yourself down like that? Is this how you are with everyone?”
Could this be the real reason why Jin Yun never married?
Jin Yun smiled faintly as he thought of the past.
“It’s not everyone, it’s just with you…that I feel that way.”
Gong Yimo was dumbfounded. She couldn’t understand why he thought that way.
Jin Yun looked at her deeply and said in a gentle voice, “You know, since I was young…I’ve had a tough life, and it really weighed down on me. But I was also conceited…The texts that my brothers could not recite even after studying for many days, I could memorize in one. The imperial teacher’s lessons that they struggled with, I could easily learn by analogy…”
When he spoke of these matters, he was smiling, yet it was out of bitterness.
“Perhaps I had not learned to restrain myself back then since I was young, they often complained about me to Father, and I was not allowed to study since I was young. Even though I was eager to learn, I couldn’t go against Father’s orders. Now, reading is all I can do. Poetry and songs…I really don’t know much about them.”
Gong Yimo suddenly felt a little sad for him. Well, all beautiful jades have to go through the carving process, right?
He frowned. “I didn’t understand back then. I was clearly so smart, so hardworking, always improving myself. Even in terms of looks and character, I was better than my brothers. Why is it that Father didn’t trust me and even doubts my birth? Was I…really so undeserving of praise? Why can’t they see the good that I can offer, why do they only criticize me and call me a bastard?
“So, I gradually started to lose confidence in myself, and it may have taken root deep inside me. Even later, when I…dressed up as a woman to dance. I couldn’t feel satisfied when I hear the cheers of those around me. I want the world to praise me, I want to gain their affirmation! Maybe…there’s no hope for me anymore.
“Even though I’ve clearly achieved so much in Yuheng, even my brothers can’t hold me back anymore. Just, when I’m in front of you…I can’t help but feel inferior. When it comes down to it, I still don’t dare to take that step.
“But after you left, I was easily able to gain power in Yuheng! That’s when I realize how close in my grasp these things were to me. Just like you were back then…”
He suddenly reached out, gently laying his hand over the back of Gong Yimo’s. Gong Yimo looked up to see his beautiful eyes that seemed to be glowing. Even the mole under his eye was so stunning.
“You treat me so well, and you’re so beautiful, so talented! Just like the blazing sun, anyone staying by your side could gain unlimited power! While I…I was just like a blade of grass, a flower. You helped me grow, but I wanted to be able to obtain you. What a delusion!
“It’s such a ridiculous thought, but that’s really how I thought. I knew you would leave one day, but I couldn’t even say anything to make you stay, much less admit my feelings for you.
“So, when you asked me, when my friends asked me, and even when Mother asked me, I would say that i didn’t have feelings for you. But each time I was shouting madly in my heart. Lies! Those are all lies! I do like you! And I’ve liked you for a very, very long time!”
His words made Gong Yimo feel as if she had been burned and she quickly pulled her hand back.
“You think too highly of me. I’m not as noble as you think I am.”