681 Broken hopes and dreams
A nauseous feeling arose in his throat and a silence as deep as the eerie depths of the sea floated in the air. It felt thin and unbreathable as if he was strenuously climbing a tall, majestic mountain but with no summit in sight. He didn't dare to meet her gaze, in which he knew that loathe, hatred and disgust for him would be manifested by now.
Shui stared down at her knees, but her attention was distant and far away as she processed the truth. It felt like a vicious web of deceit, betrayal and revenge that had swallowed down the Liu family in its net.
In this life, the fates were different. Jun and Ai who were equally devastated in the past had found a new path for themselves. But it was only Jin whose freedom was still entangled in those strings, where every twist of that web seemed to bleed him from within.
And Shui could witness that bleeding very well. Jin's every tear, every tremble and every streak of immense pain in his tired black eyes was a testament of his burden. He was struggling because of a responsibility that propelled the miracle of rebirth, but the wounds left behind by his past life's actions weighed far greater than the responsibility itself.
Even if the condition of sacrificing his future were to be taken off by some chance, Shui could tell that Jin would have still chosen not to have any relationship with her ever. The sin of misunderstanding Shui, blaming her for all the chaos and hurting her through Kang Xue was so beyond salvageable for him that he willingly chose to punish himself in this life and pay for the mistakes made.
Even though the past had already transpired and he could tread on a new path to find his own happiness, he wasn't able to let go of its shadows and embrace a new future.
'As much as he needs your forgiveness, so does he needs his own.'
Shui stiffened, remembering the words of the palm-reading man.
This was what he meant…
Tears rolled down her cheeks, unable to hold them back anymore. Her trembling fingers tried to hold his hand, but he immediately shook her off, retreating himself further to the bedside. "Don't touch me."
It was a cold and frigid rejection. But now she finally understood that it wasn't because of her but himself.
"Because you think you are dirty?" She asked very slowly.
Jin didn't give an answer but the action of tensely rubbing his neck as if he was trying to find air to breathe proved that her suspicion was true. Shui tried reaching out to touch the tip of his finger again, but he shut himself just like before.
"Do you think I hated you in the past life because of your relationship with Kang Xue?"
"Isn't it obvious!?" He exclaimed, feeling agitated. He didn't want to think of those memories but exactly opposite he was forced to go through right now.
"I don't think so. I don't think my past self would have hated you as much as you are imagining it to be."
"Because you are the embodiment of Mother Teresa?"
Jin couldn't stop himself from spewing bitter words to her. He immediately regretted his tone, and he knew he had no right to be so disrespectful when he had wronged her so much. Chapters first released on novèlfire.net
"Please just…leave…" he broke down, begging her to leave him to his misery.
Before I hurt you even more…
She stared at his shut eyes, tears seeping from between his eyelashes. "You won't ever recover if I leave. I know, Jin. You would truly lose yourself after today if I walked out of that door right now."
She contemplated holding his hand but this time, she leaned forward to gently touch his cheek - a gesture which naturally met with a fierce protest from his side but from which she didn't back down.
"I cannot say much about the past life. You know it better than me. But I know myself better than you think you do, at least in this case. I must have not hated you in the past because I don't hate you at this moment either when I know everything."
"I am not lying. Neither I am showing you any sympathy.
"I don't…want to talk about this. You were adamant to know the truth and now that you do, you can stop your tricks for getting us close. There can n-never be anything between us."
Shui took a deep breath and pulled his head with a slightly harder force in order to make him face her. "You are running away once again, Jin. Will you please just listen to me?"
The brush of her soft fingers against his cheek rattled him hard as if a deep hidden emotion inside his heart was struggling against the chains to escape. Shui inches closer till they both felt each other's warm breaths greeting their cheeks. She first gently wiped his tears, holding back her own. Her voice that shook with tremors hushedly reached his ears.
"I had indeed wronged Jun. I don't know what I was thinking in the past life, but I kept waiting and waiting. Every day, every month, every year that passed…I kept piling up Jun's hopes and dreams. I might be understanding from way before that our relationship was going nowhere, but I couldn't convey it to him. I was…" her sight blurred, "very cruel to Jun. I broke his heart when came to me with a ring. Years of his expectations had just come to an end in a single night…a-and all because of me. I started everything Jin. If I had been more vocal earlier, maybe…I c-could have saved his heart. But I destroyed it in the worst way possible…"
She faced him, her hands trembling. "When you told me about Kang Xue, I did feel hurt. I won't lie, Jin. I must have felt pained in the past too. But…I could also understand where you were coming from. I still do. You didn't have to tell me you did all this for Jun. When you said that I rejected him in such a way, I already felt it coming. You love and respect Jun a lot. You absolutely cannot watch him getting hurt and the woman who was supposed to make him happy did just that. I broke the person the most important to you…"