Later that night, I am lying down in my room with a blanket covering my legs. No matter how hard I tried, sleep refused to come. Each time I closed my eyes, memories from my past life came flooding my head as I remember these particular memories, one of my perfect princess life. In my past life, I am standing in a grand hall of celebration with my parents, laughter ringing in my ears from the crowd, a crown of flowers on my head. The memories only made silent tears drop from the corner side of my eyes. Why can’t life be fair enough?
I tossed onto my side again. The injustice of it burned, a fire in my gut that wouldn’t let me lie still and have a peaceful sleep. know I can’t bring back my parents to life but all I know is I can change my destiny here in this pack.
I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed as I tried to shake off the pain of those memories.
My eyes darted to the small, rickety drawer in the corner of my room. It was barely a piece of furniture. I stumbled to my feet as I approached it. I yanked the drawer open. There it was, the book. A guide to being a werewolf, to understanding the power I was supposed to have. I hadn’t touched it since I brought it from WarBorn, not since I realized how useless it felt to dream of strength in a pack that saw me as nothing.
The moonlight spilling through my cracked window as I opened it, my fingers fumbling to find the . My eyes scanned the faded ink, searching desperately for this particular Chapter and then I found it. Chapter Seven, Harnessing Your Wolf Senses. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the key to unlocking the power I knew was buried inside me, the power Lyra, my wolf, kept so frustratingly silent.
I flipped to the Chapter, my eyes darting over the words. "Focus your mind. Feel the pulse of your wolf within you. Breathe in the world, its scents, its sounds, its heartbeat." The instructions were clear but looked confusing to me. Immediately, without wasting much time, I snapped the book shut and stood. I didn’t care that it was the middle of the night. I couldn’t stay here, trapped in this room with my thoughts and my failures.
The training field wasn’t far from the maid quarters where my room was located, just beyond the cluster of cabins where the lower-ranking pack members lived. I slipped outside, the moonlight guiding my steps. The forest near the filled swayed with the breeze, making my way to the field.
I dropped the book onto the grass, its pages fluttering slightly in the wind. My hands were clammy as I stood in the center of the field, closing my eyes and trying to follow the book’s instructions. "Breathe in the world." I inhaled deeply, the cool air filling my lungs. "Feel your wolf." I reached inward, searching for Lyra, for that spark of wildness that was supposed to live in me. "Come on, Lyra," I whispered softly, my voice barely audible.
But there were no words from her again, only silence. Disappointed, I forced myself to try again. I spread my arms, my fingers curling as I imagined the shift, the way the book described it, a rush of power, bones reshaping, senses sharpening. I pictured my hands becoming paws, fur rippling under the moonlight. I pushed, willing it to happen, my breath hitching with the effort. "Lyra, please," I muttered, my voice growing sharper but she said nothing.
My eyes snapped open as I realized the moonlight was mocking my failure. I stomped back to the book, flipping it open again, my fingers smudging the pages as I reread the steps. "Focus. Breathe. Connect." I tried again, pacing in a tight circle. I closed my eyes, clenched my fists, and pushed harder, my teeth grinding as I begged Lyra to respond. "Come on!" I hissed as I tried to force my human body but my foot caught on a root, and I stumbled, my knees slamming into the ground and my face hitting the sand. Pain shot through my legs, and I let out a frustrated growl, wincing in pain. "Why isn’t this working?" I shouted, my voice echoing across the empty field. My eyes stung, but I blinked the tears away, refusing to cry. I scrambled to my feet, snatching the book and flipping through it again, as if the words might magically change. They didn’t.
I tried one last time and followed every step as I pictured Lyra to help. "Lyra, please, I need you. I can’t do this alone." But the silence in my mind was deafening. The more I tried, the more my knees buckled, and I hit the ground over and over again.
"Damn you, Moon Goddess," I spat, my voice filling with fury as I looked up to the moon. "Why did you even make me a werewolf if you were just going to make me useless?" My hands clawed in frustration. "You gave me a wolf who won’t even speak to me! She speaks whenever she feels like it. You put me in this pack, in this life, just to watch me fail!" My voice was filled with sobs as I grabbed the book, throwing it far from me as hard as I could. It sailed through the air, pages flapping, before landing in a heap of trash bin.
I didn’t care. I was done. My chest heaved as I ran back to my room. The door slammed behind me as I stumbled to the floor, my knees giving out, and the tears I’d fought so hard to hold back broke free. They streamed down my face relentlessly, pooling and wetting my dress.
"Why?" I choked out. "Why is this my life?" My voice was barely audible over the sound of my own sobbing. And then all of a sudden, Lyra spoke. "Iris," she called. "you shouldn’t speak to the moon goddess in that manner and..."
"Don’t you dare," I snapped". "Don’t you dare speak to me now, after all this time!" I shot to my feet as I stormed to the small table by my bed. My anger boiled over, and I swept my arm across the table, sending a chipped mug, scattering everything there as it crashed to the floor. "You’ve been silent, Lyra! And now you want to lecture me? Never speak to me again! Never!"
My voice echoed in the small room as I slid down the wall, my back pressing against the wall. My tears kept coming, soaking the collar of my nightwear, one of the left over dresses, some low ranking pack members had gifted us, the maids. "I wish I was human," the words left my mouth. "I wish I could live my life without all of these, without wolves, without packs, without any of it." My head fell back against the wall, my eyes squeezing shut as everything crashed over me.