"The decision isn’t up to me, it’s up to Lan Li. If he doesn’t make a choice, what use is it for me to chase him all my life?" Ding Jinshi raised her hand to wipe away her tears, "Even if I’ve exhausted all my courage and dignity to come here, and he clearly sees me but remains indifferent, why should I continue to humiliate myself?"
"But you still love him, don’t you?" He Zhilan really didn’t understand. How could two people in love end up like Ding Jinshi and Lan Li?
Ding Jinshi nodded and remained silent, she just took out a cigarette from her pocket, lit it, and started smoking heavily. After a while, her voice echoed from the darkness once again.
"Love, it’s in my bones."
But who was he to Ding Jinshi?
To her, he was just a stranger she would care for all her life. After their interactions, they could only be strangers again.
"I love Lan Li, but I also hate him."
After each sentence, Ding Jinshi took a violent puff of her cigarette, as if each puff was drawn with her life. Such scene reminded He Zhilan of the night when she first met Ding Jinshi, who was holding a cigarette in one hand and a glass of wine in the other, completely despairing.
He Zhilan couldn’t understand what mixture of love and hate was. She always thought that when you love someone enough, you can’t hate them. When you start to hate someone, love no longer exists.
But apparently, her conception seemed to be really different from Ding Jinshi’s.
"Sometimes, I really despise myself. I’ve tried countless times to convince myself not to love, but only to hate. As for Lan Li, if I am left with only hatred, that might be enough. At least then, I can live a little happier. But it’s useless! time, from knowing about his hospitalization to today, I’ve been sleepless every day worried about him. The moment I close my eyes, all I can see is his injured figure. Do you know? When I got to know that your brother saved him again, and that without your brother, Lan Li might already be gone, I wanted to thank your brother with everything I have. I even wanted to thank him in person for keeping Lan Li alive. I had the courage to leave this world, but I don’t have the courage to imagine a world without him. I’ve thought countless times about visiting Lan Li in the hospital, but always stopped myself. Until I heard that Lan Li was about to be discharged. When I realized that if I don’t go now, I might never see him again, my feet acted of their own accord and brought me here. Like a fool, I watched him walk, watched him talk to people he knew in the hospital. All I could think of was our time together, a time that was both painful and sweet."
He Zhilan sat down beside Ding Jinshi while she was speaking. Since the night of Lin Deng’s birthday when Ding Jinshi insisted on not letting Ding Long drive her home, she felt she should accompany Ding Jinshi in her hardest times, even just listen to her talk.
The two of them were sitting on the ground in a lightless corner. The cigarette in Ding Jinshi’s hand burning down to a butt was the only starlight in front of them. Nothing more,
But Ding Jinshi’s words made He Zhilan feel that in her world, there wasn’t even this bit of starlight.
"Why exactly did you and Lan Li break up back then? Was there any misunderstanding?" He Zhilan asked, "When you turned around and left, Lan Li was watching you all the time. I think he wanted to chase after you, but for some reason, he just stood still. You can’t lie in the way you look at someone. I believe Lan Li still loves you. So, was there any misunderstanding leading to your current situation?"