119: Chapter 30 Falling to the Bottom_2 119: Chapter 30 Falling to the Bottom_2 Shiyu Lianyi didn’t say a word.
The young man with gray hair picked up another pebble and threw it forcefully towards the river, this time it sank straight to the bottom.
He plopped back onto the grass.
His good friend still gave no reaction.
Gongsun Ce crushed the third pebble into crumbs.
He threw the crumbs to the ground and cursed, “What the hell are you thinking?!
I admit what I did today was crap, I really didn’t expect so many accidents, but we were all seriously trying to help you!”
“I understand, thank you.”
Gongsun Ce got even more annoyed, “Then can you tell me what you were thinking at the end?!
Talking crap to piss her off?
Is that funny to you?!
If you want to see a joke, watching me is enough!”
His good friend was acting like a closed-off gourd.
Gongsun Ce clenched his fists, stood up, and said, “You know I never pry into these things, friend.
But today I really can’t help it.
Is confessing really that hard?!
Is telling her you like her such a shameful thing?!
Even if you are unlucky enough to get rejected—”
Shiyu Lianyi spoke blandly.
“My relationship with her, it can never return to the way it is now.
Rather than that development, it’s better to treat it as a terrible joke, and after the anger subsides, pray for her forgiveness.”
The gray-haired young man looked at the man who had once saved his life, as if he was seeing him for the first time.
Gongsun Ce had never felt so estranged from him.
His fists tightened then loosened, over and over until he sat back down on the grass.
“What was I thinking.”
His friend looked at the river water, so focused as if he saw his own past in it.
“When I first arrived in the City of the Sky, I didn’t know anything.”
“I had no common sense, no money.
What I learned from the Institute was only how to harm myself, how to harm others.
Back then, the Curse Scale couldn’t be used to save others, it was a spell born out of malice, just like me…”
“Ugly, filthy, evil, unbearable to look at.”
Gongsun Ce thought of his friend’s background and remembered the scars hidden beneath his clothes.
He always saw him as his good friend Shiyu Lianyi, but often forgot his past.
This man was also a Shiyu, an Impermanence Law Enforcer just like Shiyu Ling…
Born from an ominous place, a taboo and different kind.
“I was ragged and dirty, wrapped in a torn robe, my heart full of coldness and selfishness.
I stood under the brilliant sunlight looking at a world I had never seen before.
It was much larger than the Institute, the walls weren’t stained with blood and filth, the people dressed in fine and bright clothes, no cold lab coats, no one wanting to hurt me, no one forcing me to do experiments…
I thought this was Heaven.”
“But after just a while, I realized the looks from people were the same.
Distant, indifferent, hostile, malevolent…
I understood that there wasn’t much difference between the City of the Sky and the Shiyu Institute; the emotions of their fellows and researchers, I could also sense them here.”
“I was desperate, and it seemed only natural.
I figured humans were such creatures, let alone I could not be described as likable myself.
I have always been a detestable existence…
“In front of such me, she appeared.”
Shiyu Lianyi curved his mouth into a small smile, recounting his past.
“She covered her nose, approached me with disgust, asking where I came from, if my appearance was due to my abilities, whether my family or friends were there…
I couldn’t understand, I didn’t know why she wanted to get close to me, even though she herself thought I wasn’t very likable.
I didn’t speak to her, picked a direction and walked away.
But you know, Kardesia is so stubborn, enthusiastic and kind…”
Gongsun Ce sighed and said, “So she picked you up and brought you home.”
The young man in the suit nodded.
I’ve never come across someone like that.
Despite her aversion to me, she still decided to get close to me.
I wanted to keep my distance, but she said she found me interesting.
She treated me to food, took me to her home to rest, she wanted to help me, with a kindness I had almost never seen before…
I didn’t know how to respond, I didn’t know what to do…”
“At that time, all I could think about was that I didn’t want her to hate me.”
“I wanted to make myself less loathsome, at least, not to see that troubled expression on her face.”
“I shared these thoughts with Kardesia through mind connection.
She responded with a surprising amount of words, most of which I can hardly remember now.
That night, she gave me a suit.
She said suits are clean, tidy, and handsome, nobody would hate that.”
After that, Shiyu Lianyi appeared in suits every day in front of others.
“I learned so much, so much more.
I was finally able to stand beside her with dignity, and the gazes that people cast upon me were no longer as indifferent as before.
After that, I met you, I met Qin Qianbai, I made friends, and I received even more kindness…
a heavy, yet precious kindness.”
He spoke in a low tone.
“Kardesia sees me as a close friend; she thinks of herself as my sister, or perhaps a guide.
I am resigned, but my life is so beautiful, what more could I ask for?”
“I dare not take a step forward, for if I make a mistake, our relationship can never return to the way it was.
Once I speak my true feelings, our relationship will change.
It might get better, but there is a greater chance it would turn sour.
I can’t imagine a life estranged from her, and I definitely don’t want to enter such a world…”
He stared into the sky, lost in thought.
“The first spark of light one sees in the darkness, that is everything to one in despair.”
Gongsun Ce said morosely, “How do you know you will…”
He remembered how particular this man was about his appearance, recalling him saying he did not want to be loathed as he had been in the past.
He recalled the man’s description of his first arrival, his meeting with the blonde girl.
He started to understand the other’s perspective.
In his eyes, Shiyu Lianyi was that dashing, handsome, somewhat sly, yet trustworthy man.
But in Shiyu Lianyi’s own eyes, he would always be the scarred, taboo Shiyu.
“You know my past, Gongsun,” he said calmly, “but Kardesia knows nothing of it.
I cannot tell her, about the absurd stories happening on that distant island unrelated to her, about the unfortunate childhoods of many kids.
I can’t let such a kind person be exposed to a dark world…
I am ugly in appearance, hands stained with blood, bearing a curse.
I would bring danger to her, she would fear the real me.
I should not stand by her side, she should not have to interact with an evil person like me.”
He bowed his head, alone, like a discarded child, and yet, he persisted in not showing a look of loneliness.
“How could I confess to her that I love you.”
Gongsun Ce fell silent for a long while.
“You talk about love , what are you asking us to do for you, if you are so pained why not just distance yourself from her, just be lonely on your own and let her be happy…” These thoughts flashed through his mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to utter such hurtful words.
He understood the other.
Although he was much happier than Shiyu, in that moment, he truly understood the other’s heart.
The eloquent young man couldn’t utter a constructive word.
All he could do was to extend his hand, pat his friend on the back, offering meaningless consolation.
“Cheer up, I don’t hate you, and surely she feels the same.”
“Thank you, Gongsun.”