The low temperature in the room was felt against her skin, yet in this close proximity to Atlas, it felt less like cold and more like cold against heat.
She stared at him, and he simply nodded at her, her mouth parting in disbelief and dismay. Why did he have to nod like that? As if he was confirming that the feel of his wood against her leg was a natural fact between them?
"God," Lola closed her eyes and lowered her head, her hands gripping his bare shoulders. When she looked up, a shallow breath escaped her. "I honestly don’t know if I should apologize for falling, or you should for suddenly reaching out. Either way, you told me just not long ago that you’d never misunderstand me, right? I hope you don’t misunderstand this. I didn’t mean to land right here."
Atlas kept his eyes on her, his fingertips briefly brushing her arm. She flinched, but then he raised her hand to show her bracelet.
"I was going to take this out," he said, pinching the thread that was caught in her tangled bracelet. "My bad."
"Oh, that’s... that’s why," she breathed out, looking away for a moment. For a second, I really thought he was trying to seduce me.
A moment of quiet passed as she watched him untangle the thread. She tried to get up, but he stopped her with a cold, "Stay still." She obeyed, sitting like a doll.
"Done," he said, tossing the thread aside. As his eyes returned to her, she hid her turmoil behind a smile.
"Thanks," she said, but her voice hitched as he rested a hand on her hip, stilling her. "What now?"
"Lola Young," he said, a look of slight displeasure flickering across his eyes. "You always have your guard down."
"What?"
"I’m saying everyone can just touch you," he clarified, retrieving his hand from her hips as he leaned back. "You are very easily accessed."
While he was thinking of Derek when he said this, he was also aware of her habit of being grabbed by others, even by him.
"Oh..." His words somehow distracted her from her strange position. A subtle smile formed on her face.
"Because if I had my guards up, it’s not living," she said. "And I don’t want to hurt others, especially those important to me, just because they enter my space. I don’t have much control, after all."
Her answer made him raise a brow, a flicker of surprise crossing his face. She patted his shoulder as she pushed herself away from him. Once standing, she took a step back, her gaze holding his.
"You should lower the temperature or pee," she said, jerking her chin toward his lower region. "It might hurt you."
With that, she turned on her heel. But after a few steps, she paused and looked back.
"Besides, if I weren’t easily accessible, you wouldn’t be here," she added in a knowing tone. "I’m not sure, though, if I should call it an advantage for you as well."
The side of her mouth hooked up, and she resumed her steps, only to hear him speak.
"It’s not."
Her brows crinkled, and she glanced back. Atlas still sat leisurely on the couch, head cocked back, eyes on her.
"I’ll be here whether or not you like it," he clarified with calm confidence. "But I’d suggest raising your guard a little. Otherwise, you’d wish you hurt them out of self-defense."
Slowly, Lola furrowed her brows, watching him peel his gaze away from her and set it on the television. Questions rushed into her mind, but one stood out: What did he mean she’d wish she just hurt them?
Amid her thoughts, Atlas’s calm voice snapped her back once more.
"Don’t worry. I guarantee you, you will not hurt me or my children," he added, giving her a sidelong glance. "That’s not how you will hurt us."
****
Hours later, Lola sat in a chair in her room, staring at the sleeping twins on the bed. She had already put them to bed and read them a lullaby, but she was stuck in this chair with so many thoughts.
Mostly, Atlas’s words.
He has no idea, she thought.
For her, it was either lower her guard or have them up. There was no in-between. She had seen what she was capable of and how it felt to hurt the very few people she cared about just because they surprised her. It was why she had decided to keep her guard down, except when absolutely necessary.
"Why is he messing with my perception?" she grumbled to herself. "I’ve been like this for a while now. Why bother?"
[Don’t worry. I guarantee you, you will not hurt me or my children. That’s not how you will hurt us.]
She pressed her mouth together, his calm voice and sense of finality playing in her head on a loop.
[But I’d suggest raising your guard a little. Otherwise, you’d wish you hurt them out of self-defense.]
"Goodness..." she leaned back, her head resting on the backrest. "One second, I feel like he’s seducing me, and the next, he’s lecturing me as if he knew my entire life."
A deep exhale escaped her as she closed her eyes. When silence embraced her like an old friend, she slowly reopened her eyes.
"Why are you letting his words affect you? That’s the real question there, Lola," she murmured. "You’ve been living like this for years, and it’s always been the safest choice."
Still, the warning stuck with her.
"...otherwise, you’d wish you hurt them instead," she repeated under her breath. "Why? Is he going to hurt them? Is that why? And why?"
She imagined Atlas, and even though she didn’t know him well, she thought of him as a patient man. Raising kids trains patience. He had always been calm, and that was the Atlas she knew.
"Damn it." Ruffling her hair in irritation, Lola told herself not to think about it.
Don’t think about it. Don’t get affected.
But she could only gaslight herself so much. Before she knew it, Lola was marching out of the room, straight to his door.
BAM!
Kicking the door open, she huffed angrily. "Stay out of my head, Atlas Bennet!"