Yan Xixi sat barefoot on the fine-quality oak floor, bathed in warm sunlight as she clutched her knees. The spotless floor reflected the play of light and shadow from the surrounding roses, casting a gentle yet vibrant palette of colors upon her, lending her face a languid beauty.
She lazily lifted her head to glance at the distant sky. From her viewpoint, she could see the long-lost blue sky, but it wasn’t pure. It seemed adulterated, like liquor laced with plasticizers.
"Xiaoya, you don’t know," Yan Xixi began, her voice soft. "These are the best days of my life."
Xu Xiaoya remained silent.
Yan Xixi continued, "Every day, I eat until I’m full, then sleep. When I wake up, I eat again. I don’t worry about where my next meal will come from or where I’ll sleep tomorrow. I certainly don’t have to fret about which man to target next on the messaging app to scam a little money from..."
Her smile, though it might have seemed carefree, was utterly genuine. "Ever since my father’s car accident," she went on, "every day I’d wake up wondering how I’d pay for my tuition and living expenses. But no matter how much I worried, I couldn’t continue college. After my father died, I had to worry about my mother’s medical bills and the rent. When one day ended, I’d wonder what tomorrow would bring. I often wondered how I could possibly endure such a long life.
"There were even times when I’d scammed a bit of money and thought to myself, Why not use this to take Mom somewhere nice to visit? Then we could find a beautiful spot, wait for a glacier to collapse, and we could both just die there and be done with it..."
Poor men are often despised, and poor women are belittled all the more.
These were words she had never spoken before.
Xu Xiaoya said with a pang of sympathy, "Who asked you to be so stubborn? I told you ages ago to work at the Harem, but you refused. They say the top Oiran there retired rich. Now she’s worth tens of millions, drives a BMW, lives in a villa, and has connections with many Tycoons. Our supervisor saw you once and said if you were willing to come, you’d put any Oiran to shame. They wouldn’t even be fit to carry the hem of your skirt..."
"HEH. Xiaoya, you don’t know. The kind of person I am... sigh, the kind of person I am..." She fell silent for a moment before saying, "I used to stubbornly believe that selling one’s body was the most despicable thing in the world...
"So I preferred to scheme and swindle, racking my brains to cheat men out of small amounts of money and struggling to outwit them. Several times, I nearly fell into their Devil Palm. But I always deceived myself, telling myself that if those men weren’t greedy and lecherous, they wouldn’t be tricked by tea and wine shills.
"Some men, even if married or with girlfriends, would still look for flings online, preying on women. That’s what gave people the chance to deceive them.
Don’t they bear any responsibility for it themselves?
And by deceiving them, at least my conscience wouldn’t be troubled. It was better than resorting to *that*, wasn’t it?
"Actually, they’re essentially the same thing.
"It’s like how among criminals—robbers, murderers, embezzlers, and so on—they always look down on the lowest tier, like certain offenders or prostitutes.
"Conversely, murderers often command the most respect among criminals!
"There’s no figuring out the reason for that.
"HEH. Now I... now... now..." She choked on the word "now," unable to continue.
And now, I too am one of those engaged in the world’s most despicable acts.
Xu Xiaoya understood her meaning and felt a pang of bitterness herself. Wasn’t she the same? Wanting to earn money, yet unwilling to truly stoop to that level. All these years, she had been deceiving herself as much as others. But while you might fool others, how could you ever truly fool yourself?
In a soft voice, she said, "Don’t be too hard on yourself. Nobody wants to be ."