I NEED to go back to therapy again. I’ve been handling myself all this while, I’ve been able to control what I can and leave the shit I couldn’t, but recently, I’ve become a whirlpool of useless emotions.
Unpredictable emotions.
One moment I’m smiling at Lucas because we got caught doing the silliest thing behind the paper thingy used for photoshoots, and the next moment I’m annoyed because his attention is fixated on Lynn.
To think I was the one who said this was going to be a no-strings-attached deal. I’m getting jealous at everything like he’s my boyfriend, and I desperately want to tell him but, yeah, you know the drill now...I’m scared.
I don’t want to date him and I do at the same time. I want to call him mine and yet I don’t want him carrying a piece of me wherever he goes. What if he breaks it?
Ineedtherapy. Ineedfuckingtherapy.
"Iris, I have other business to attend to," Lucas mumbles typing something on his phone.
Where is he going this evening?
"Do have to meet someone?" I ask, doing my best to sound unaffected.
"Yes."
"It’s okay, I can wait in the car."
Lucas pauses typing, looking between me and his text. He presses a button and turns on his seat, giving me all his attention. Something warms inside me, spreading all around my body like a warm fire breeze on a cold night.
He ignored his message for me.
"Unfortunately, I can’t come with you. I have to do this alone," Lucas says crushing the small voice in my head. I fight the urge to look broken, nodding at him and looking away instead.
"Whatever you say. I need to unpack my clothes anyway."
I wait for him to soothe me over like he always does, to carve in and tell me we can go together. He always does when I pout.
"Okay. I’ll drop you off first."
Fuck.
Lucas starts the car, pulling out of the driveway and onto the main road. He drives us home, an uncomfortable silence filling the car until we arrive. What’s more upsetting is how it seems like I’m the only one feeling the stiff air in the car. Lucas doesn’t seem unfazed by it.
As always, when we arrive home, Lucas stops me from exiting the car just so he can be the gentleman, opening the door for me and helping me step out by taking my hand in his.
How am I supposed to keep a cool head while he doing this?
I let him help me before watching him drive off, waving at me with his other hand even though he’s driving. It’s a bittersweet moment watching him leave. After telling him to find a woman who loves him, I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but I can’t control it.
It’s eating me inside. I’m smart enough to know I love him, but I don’t trust myself or him enough to tell him. In the novels I read, I always yell at the characters, saying they’re stupid and too blinded by their issues to take on love head-on like a pro. But now that it’s happening to me, it’s a fucking nightmare.
I will never judge the main leads again. Love is too complicated to be considered a shallow emotion. It drains you out and leaves you wanting more but fearing you’re too overbearing, or you don’t deserve it at all. In my case, it’s the latter.
Sighing when the last of his G-wagon disappears down his large driveway, I walk inside the empty mansion. Apparently, Lucas hires part-time staff to clean his house on days designated by Tim. Fortunately, today happens to be one of those days. I can’t be found pretending to be okay around people I don’t know when I feel like shit. That’ll further break me down, and I might end up lashing out at them.
The stairs feel annoyingly heavy today, but I take them head-on until I’m on the second floor. Subconsciously, I end up in front of Lucas’ bedroom, running my fingers on it like a heartbroken fool.
I haven’t even confessed to him yet!
"Ahem, Lucas left a while ago," Tim snaps me back to reality, standing right in front of the door that leads to my room.
I flinch, backing away from Lucas’ door and somehow gaining the strength I couldn’t master whilst walking up the stairs. "Yes, I know, he’s the one who dropped me off," I answer, already near him. Tim and I are almost the same height so being all over his face doesn’t need me climbing all over him like it does with Lucas.
Geez, everything is about him now.
I gasp when I step in front of my door. Everything is... squeaky clean, and the room is orderly. The lavender scent is filling all corners as a dispenser filters it throughout the room, giving me yet another reason to remember Lucas.
"We tried cleaning the room, but we didn’t touch your clothes. The suitcase is in the closet right next to your shoe rack," Tim points at the walk-in closet.
"We?" I ask.
"I helped," comes Paul’s deep voice as he brushes his locs from his face. A proud smile tugs at his lips as he glances at me from below. Unfortunately, his smug look looks like he’s underestimating me. Lucky for him, I’ve seen him long enough to know he just looks intimidating overall.
"Thank you so much for your help."
"It’s nothing," Tim replies, smiling shyly.
Placing my bag on my bed, I sit on it. I can’t believe I’m already bored. It’s like seeing Lucas’ face brings me a sense of joy now.
Paul wipes his face, heaving a huge sigh as he leans on the door. "Are you going to write your book today?" He asks.
Ugh. I don’t even feel like getting up to bathe.
"No, I don’t think I’ll write today."
"Is it one of the days you rest?" He asks again, standing up straight. I’m immediately reminded of the time when they agreed to be my muses and the promise I made them swear to.
They agreed to help me write whenever my writer’s block hits, in exchange for Paul reading my story in advance and Tim teaching me how to cook. I can understand Paul’s point, but Tim? He’s the one losing on both sides of the deal.
"No, I’m just stressed and tired," I reply honestly, flopping on the bed and closing my eyes.
"We’ll leave you to sleep then," Paul’s voice vibrates my eardrums and before I know it, his footsteps are echoing down the corridor. I can feel Tim’s presence before he speaks.
"Do you have something to tell me, Tim?"
"Yes."
Using the remainder of my energy in me, I sit up straight. "You can sit over here," I pat at my bed. He hesitates for a moment, takes two steps closer, and then abruptly stops.
"Lucas won’t like me sitting next to his woman," he says in a silent voice, loud enough for me to hear. Just like that, all the anxiety and uncertainty I’d been feeling a while ago disappears.
Just because I got called his woman. Damnit, what am I doing?
"I’ll just say it whilst I’m standing here."
"Suit yourself."
He clears his throat, rubbing his hands together after a clap. " I found a website where you can upload your novel in Chapters. Once you start posting they verify your book, and once they see potential they’ll send you a contract. It can be the drive you need to write daily if the people start reading and liking your book, and, well, you get to make cash from it rather than let them read it for free."
"Oh, thank you. I’ll take note of that," I reply excitedly. After helping two authors edit their work and get it ready for publishing, I know just how much work needs to be done for a hard copy to be produced.
I don’t want that kind of stress on top of the ones I already have. That’s why I decided to post my book for free on websites. I told Paul and Tim about this since they are the first people who genuinely seem excited about my upcoming book. They and Jerald.
I was planning on telling him once I have the book up on the website for him to start reading, but after the friction that took place between us, I don’t think we’ll be talking to each other anytime soon.
"What’s the name of the application?" I ask, already taking out my phone.
"Mmmm, I don’t remember, but I did save the picture. I’ll send it to you on WhatsApp."
"Good idea," I smile lazily at him.
Tim smiles back. "Well then, I wouldn’t want you to be tired when Lucas comes home to see you. Have a good rest, I’ll wake you up once dinner is ready."
I watch as he leaves, closing the door behind him slowly and not making any sound. It never stops surprising me how he acts like the butlers of those rich families on TV, ancient, with a dose of wisdom-sounding words that sound posh and well-educated.
Then again, he does work for a billionaire.
Slowly closing my eyes, the last thought that crossed my mind is Lucas and his cloudy destination.
Who was he going to meet that was so important he had to leave me home alone?
★★★★★