40 — An Unlikely Comfort
“Perhaps today will be the last day I come here…” She spoke softly.
The Great Kristen’s shoulders flinched at Irene’s voice that broke the silence. But Irene, who was unaware of that fact because she was only looking at the ground, kept moving her lips. She had long become numb and only wounds remained – one’s that ran deep and sore in her heart. Thus, only the idea of wanting to end all of this had occupied her mind. The picture of her looking at the back of a person who had never turned around overlapped with her torn paintings in Irene’s mind.
“I thought that if I waited by looking at your back like this, you’d one day turn around to face me.” Irene continued. Her voice travelled to the floor as she kept her head down.
“…”
“I thought that I was used to looking at someone who would never look back at me. I thought I just had to do what I always did… but I guess it doesn’t work like that. It was hard and I was exhausted, but in the end, nothing changed. Still, I don’t want to give up…”
Tears began to flow again from Irene’s eyes, even though she felt that she had long dried out her supply of tears from crying the night before.
In fact, those words weren’t meant for the Great Kristen. Those words were in actuality, what Irene really wanted to say to someone else.
Irene previously had put on a front. She had confidently said before that she was used to it. That she could bear being ignored because that was something she had been subject to her entire life. However, reality was always a stark reminder that she could not fool herself. She never would be able to get used to being shunned and ignored. Looking at someone’s back meant that she had a vague hope that maybe the person might turn around. However, as big as her hope was, the disappointment and hurt would come back as much as that.
“To be honest, I do not truly think that you have deep hatred towards noel. Because if you did, you would have stormed out from this room and left to a place where you couldn’t see Noel. Where the things that bothered you or you hated were well out of your sight. I don’t know what you’re thinking, or whatever it is for, but I just want you to know… that the rest of us are hurt and feel alone because of that.”
Before leaving this room for the last time, she frankly spoke her mind. She felt that conveying her feelings would be somewhat disrespectful, but it was her last chance. So, Irene realised that she might as well lay her heart out bare and give her mind a sense of peace. Even if the Great Kristen refused to acknowledge, he could at least be made aware of what he was doing to her and Noel especially. Noel’s and her situation were similar, so it was possible to guess how he felt.
Irene did not think that the Great Kristen really hated Noel. However, whatever his intentions were, she wanted to let him know that even if he did that for Noel’s sake, Noel would take the blow and close his heart. She had experienced this firsthand before, and knew what it was like to be in his situation. Irene wanted to prevent the already wide rift between them from deepening. A torn heart was hard to repair unless the repairer patiently sewed it back piece by piece.
It was just like herself.
Irene knew that she had said all of that because this would be the last time she would come to the Kristen mansion. After all, she had promised Noel… However, she believed what Noel said before that his situation was already the worst, so she should not feel worried about making a mistake and offending his grandfather. That was why she had stated what she had suppressed the past few weeks.
Irene turned her back to leave but then she stopped.
Irene could hear the unmistakable sound of the grand cushioned armchair creak. The chair spun as the person sitting on it moved and stood up. She slowly turned her head when she heard the sound she had never heard before. There, stood Noel’s grandfather. An old man who had experience and hardships written on the wrinkles along his face. He had a light grey beard and was dressed elegantly and reserved, adorning a deep maroon suit. The very man she had so wanted to face the past few weeks, was now back at Irene.
Irene’s face still had tracks of tears, and they now fell harder as she saw the Great Kristen.
The Great Kristen hesitated and then opened his lips.
“Don’t cry, my dear.”