Out of nowhere, Jobina announced:
"So... doesn’t pooping just feel amazing?"
Alicia shuddered, then glared coldly at Jobina.
"Jobina," I said, turning to her, "if you were trying to make things less awkward, you failed in flying colors."
"Ehhhh?" she whined. "But I was serious though! Don’t you poop?"
"I have no need to excrete," I responded calmly. "And actually, even you shouldn’t. Have you forgotten about energy conversion?"
Energy conversion—the art of transforming one form of energy, including consumed material, directly into magic energy—had long since rendered basic bodily functions unnecessary for most aware beings.
There’s the inferior version—Magic Conversion—but that only goes as far as turning intentions into understandable transmission. And it doesn’t work well in areas filled with curse energy.
"I know," Jobina grumbled, crossing her arms. "Almost no one in my clan uses the toilet anymore. It’s disheartening."
Alicia, meanwhile, dunked herself deeper into the steaming water with an exasperated sigh.
"And what exactly," she muttered, "are we still talking about here?"
Jobina, undeterred, turned to her eagerly.
"Alicia, don’t you enjoy the thrill of forcing out a huge—"
"Say one more word about poop, you talking monkey," Alicia interrupted, voice low and even, "and I’ll disregard Ruby’s ire and burn you to ash."
There was no murderous aura behind her words, but the warning was perfectly clear.
Jobina clamped her mouth shut, looking both silenced and unhappy.
Alicia, noticing, sighed.
"You realize Ruby would hate dirty jokes like that, right?" she said, more gently.
"R-Really?!" Jobina gasped, horrified. "I was already hoping he and I could bond... like have a nice pooping session together!"
Alicia’s scowl could have frozen the mountain. "You better not do anything bizarre with Ruby! I swear I will end you!"
I nodded in agreement.
"Master Raven, despite his immense power, is... pure and virtuous. Suggesting something so unsavory as a waste removal bonding session would only drive him further from your reach."
"Exactly!" Alicia chimed in, nodding seriously. "When I asked him to fondle my breasts, he seemed to drift away from me."
I tilted my head, amused.
"Why would you even go that far?" I asked, as if I hadn’t seduced him shamelessly the very first day we met.
As Alicia and I reveled in our playful exchange, Jobina suddenly blurted:
"Hm? Could it be... you both like Master Ruben? As in... ’like’ like him?"
We both stared at her, dead silent.
What was this fool saying?
Wasn’t it that obvious?
"Hahhh. As expected of a primate who somehow managed to evolve," Alicia sighed, folding her arms. "Yes, I am in love with Ruby. And just so you know—I am the first wife, and first baby!"
She’s still fixated on that?
Jobina just watched us with a mild smile before speaking up. "Oh, I never knew he was married... and to his first baby too."
I think Jobina needs a shaman, or a healer. For her brain.
"Well, I respect Master Ruben a lot." She continued. "I’d love to learn everything I can from him before our century-long Pact ends... But I’m not in love with him."
I blinked, caught off guard. Before I thought about it properly—and smiled a little.
The less competition, the less bloodshed.
Besides, not every woman who meets Master Raven has to fall in love with him. Right?
Still... it was a little upsetting that she wasn’t crazy about him.
Alicia, on the other hand, was trembling, her hands clamped over her mouth in pure horror.
"H-How can this be?!" she bellowed. "Are you secretly the antagonist?! How can you not love that amazing man?!"
Jobina chuckled awkwardly and waved her hands.
"Well... I did have someone I liked, once. Actually... two of them."
"Oh. So you do have the ability to fall in love after all..." Alicia muttered deadpan.
She calmed down far too quickly!
"I was interested in this really cute guy when I was way younger," Jobina said, her voice turning oddly nostalgic. "My clan hadn’t branded me a pervert back then."
"I’m sure they regretted it later," Alicia muttered under her breath. "So why’d you leave this ’cute’ boy?"
"Ah, no. It’s the other way around." Jobina grinned, waving it off. "He left me. Or rather... he fled. Like his life depended on it."
"What did you do?" Alicia asked, unconsciously shifting away.
Jobina’s face grew serious, her voice dropping lower.
"He was really nice to me," she said. "Gave me sweets, food, rare fruits—"
Was she a stray animal?
"—We played a lot together. I liked him so much. But—there was a side of me I couldn’t really explain. And I really, really wanted him to understand."
"So..." Alicia leaned in, despite herself. "Wh-what happened?"
Jobina’s expression turned further grave.
"What better way to explain the River Styx," Jobina declared, "than by actually sending someone there to see it themselves?!"
She sounded proud. She shouldn’t have.
"I pounded him so badly, even I thought he had already died. But trust me, I meant no harm."
The harm was already done, you idiot.
"Do you want to hear about the second boy?" Jobina offered brightly.
You mean, the second victim?
Alicia had truly abandoned the conversation now, sinking deeper into the warm waters like a weary soul at her final resting place.
Regardless, Jobina carried on without a care.
"This second guy was also super nice. Even when the other clan members warned their kids not to play with me—testifying that I was dangerous—he stayed. I was so touched."
"So..." I asked, humor glinting in my voice, "what did you do this time?"
"Nothing much." She shrugged. "I really didn’t want to lose my only friend. So I figured I should act as boyish as I could."
Poor lad. He should’ve never met this madness called Jobina.
"What boyish act was that?" I asked.
I sensed Alicia perking up, ears sharpened, unable to resist the juicy gossip.
Jobina answered simply—and Alicia immediately facepalmed, gritting her teeth in visible regret.
I’d never seen Alicia take such critical damage before. Jobina was terrifying indeed.
Jobina said, with all the casual air of talking about the weather:
"You see, I farted in his stew one hot afternoon. Thought it’d be hilarious. But he took it personally—called me a disgusting pig, and slammed the stew into my face. I mean, who calls a lady a pig?"
I don’t see where he went wrong.
"—And it didn’t even stink, that brat! I got so mad and beat him into a coma—which he stayed in for 19 years. After that, well... my reputation among the clan plummeted further."
She’s her own undoing.
"Jobina, take it from me," I said with all the wisdom my millennia could muster, "you’re the villain here. You don’t deserve any iota of sympathy."
As we bantered, new footsteps echoed through the steamy bathing zone.
"Just so you know, you abhorrent god-man," came a sharp female voice, laced with venom, "I haven’t accepted you yet."
Along with her words, a wave of murderous intent swept over the mountain like a brewing storm.
"Would you care to cease that deathly presence?" I said lazily, turning my head. "This is exactly why the others don’t like you, Tamayō."
There she stood: a woman with flowing dark hair, fox ears poking from her head, and nine swaying, magnificent tails trailing behind her.
Her violet left eye shimmered with multiple-colored pupils, like a galaxy of stars.
Her left eyes seeming to hold several pupils in them.
Beside her, another beauty stood in stark contrast—cool blue eyes, an utterly relaxed, expressionless face, wolf ears twitching slightly above her equally dark hair, a lone tail draping lazily behind her.
Shizuka—Ice Princess of Death.
Somehow, they had both managed to attain human forms.
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