Even at this distance the piercing nature of Charlie’s green eyes locked on Meg in such a way made it very challenging for her to think, and even under normal circumstances it was extremely difficult for her to tell the story of what had brought her to this point. She wasn’t quite sure what to say or where to start. She certainly didn’t want to rehash exactly what she had conveyed to Molly. Rather than starting at the beginning, she decided to start at the end. “The reason I told you I wasn’t good enough for you, the other night, after the dance, was because it’s true. I haven’t been good enough for you for quite some time. And over the years, that knowledge has caused me to make some terrible decisions, many of which, I’m afraid, were made without even taking you into consideration, for which I’m truly sorry, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that I don’t think I ever really saw you as a person until I glimpsed you outside of my home just a few mornings ago. All of those years, I guess I just assumed you were as upset about the arrangement as I was, and that if I could find a way to end it, we’d both be happy.” She paused then, waiting to see if he had anything to say. She could tell he was considering her words, so she gave him time to process.
After several moments, she decided to press on; however, just as she was about to continue, he asked, “When you say you were not good enough for me, what do you mean by that?”
She sighed, closed her eyes tightly, and then opened them again, avoiding his stare. “I meant, I was… ruined.”
His expression did not change. “And when you say for quite some time, for how long are you referring?”
She shook her head, not quite sure, not wanting to think back that far. Finally, she said, “Thirteen years, I suppose.”
There was a reaction then as his eyes widened. “Thirteen years? But you’re only twenty.”
“Yes.”
“But how….” She watched as his expression changed from pure puzzlement to extreme outrage. “My God. Your uncle?”
“Yes.”
“You should have told me.”
“How? Everything I sent to you was censored. Nothing left our home without close scrutiny.”
“There must have been someone you could tell. Your mother?
“Ha!” She rolled her eyes.
“A neighbor or a family friend perhaps?”
“Charlie, everyone I told ended up injured or bribed. No one would listen to me. Besides… for the longest time… I was convinced it was my own fault.”
“Surely you don’t believe that now?”
She could no longer meet his gaze, choosing instead to look down at the borrowed dress she wore, her hands fidgeting with a frayed hem.
“Meg, you know that’s not your fault now, don’t you?”
The fact that he had used her nickname again was not lost on her, but it still took her a moment to answer. At last she said, “It doesn’t matter. There was another choice, one that was my own, which had the same result.”
“The servant boy?”
“Ezra.”
“On the night of the ball?”
“I planned to run away with him. But, in my mind, I wasn’t running from you. I was running from them.”
He was shaking his head again.
“When he decided to leave with another woman, I realized I still had to go. I certainly couldn’t try to patch things over with you, not after the way I had disrespected you. And I knew my mother and uncle simply wanted your money anyway. I decided to escape to America, to become someone else, to leave my family behind. In my mind, I suppose, I thought you’d be happy. You’d be free.”
“Were you home the day I came to call at your house the first time?”
“Yes.”
“Were you truly ill?”
“No.”
He raised his eyebrows, awaiting an explanation.
“I was… injured.”
He exhaled loudly, shaking his head again, looking away. “I wish you would have trusted me to say something then, to signal me or get my attention somehow. I would have helped you.”
“I know,” she assured him. “I know that. But I overheard what you said to my mother, about how you had no idea where to even begin in finding a new wife. She assured you that you wouldn’t have to, that my setback was temporary. I was so angry that she was bartering with me. In my mind, all I ever was, was a way for my mother to rebuild her fortune. I never stopped to consider my father’s thinking when he picked you for me. Not until it was too late.”
“When was it too late?”
She considered his question for a moment, thinking truly only he could answer that. But she was certain he meant when was it too late by her consideration. “If I’m honest, it’s been too late since the first time the boogeyman snuck into my room. But what I meant to say was, had I considered the care and devotion my father put into planning this arrangement with your father before he died, if I had been thinking in those terms all along, I would have realized that my engagement to you was a gift, not a burden.”
“So you boarded the Titanic planning to sail to America, to find a job, and somehow blend in amongst the common class?”
“Yes.”
“And Ruth chose me to run to out of all of those people all by herself?”
“Most certainly. I truly had no idea where she had gone. Surely, you don’t doubt that?”
He was silent for a long moment, his eyes focused on the floor. “I was actually looking for you anyway.”
“What?”
“I’d seen you at the launch, noticed how beautiful you were, thought you could take my mind off of my estranged fiancée. How ironic is that?”
She chose to ignore his pointed question. “So, you were on the Third Class promenade looking for me?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’m glad you found me. Look, Charlie, I did intend to contact you once I reached the States, one way or another, to let you know none of this was your fault. But I had to be absolutely certain my mother and uncle could never find me. I know everything that has happened aboard the Titanic has complicated things to no end, but I’m not sorry any of this has happened. I have a lot of regrets, many of which I’ve hashed out for you today. But the time I spent with you here certainly is not one of them. If nothing else, it made me realize how foolish I’ve been for so long. Not only have I never met a man like you, I would have never dreamt anyone like you even existed.” He scoffed, shaking his head again. “Don’t do that. I’m serious.” She pushed herself to the edge of the seat, but she didn’t dare approach him. “You are absolutely perfect in every way, and the fact that you’re doubting that because of me… that’s the worst punishment I could possibly receive, perhaps even worse than a sentence of life without you.”
He locked eyes with her then, and for once she was not tempted to look away for quite some time. Eventually, he dropped his gaze back to the interesting spot in the carpet, and she said, “I should go. I’ve taken up enough of your time.” The irony in the phrase was not intended, but it was recognized by them both, she was sure.
She stood and approached the door, certain she would locate Jonathan nearby, and he would walk her back to E Deck if she wanted him to. Just as she was about to reach for the knob, she felt his hand on her shoulder, and she turned and buried her face in his neck, no longer able to hold back her tears. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, smoothing her hair, letting her cry. After several moments, she finally began to pull herself together, and she stepped back brushing at the remnants on her cheeks with her fingertips.
She could tell by his expression that he still didn’t quite trust her, and she didn’t blame him, but he wouldn’t be standing there if he didn’t care about her. And that, if nothing more, was hope.
“It’ll be all right, Meg,” he promised.
She nodded. “I should go.”
“Jonathan will walk you back.”
She nodded again, and he opened the door for her, softly telling her goodbye.
Jonathan was standing a few feet away. “Are you all right?” he asked as she approached.
“No, but I think I will be. Someday.”
“And Charlie?”
“That’s completely up to him.”