She suddenly exclaimed loudly, "I have another thought that's rather passive, or should I say, cowardly! I feel I must say it!"
"Before I knew the true cause of Mom's death, I could face the dangers confronting Magical Girls with a normal heart. But ever since I learned the truth, I've started feeling conflicted!"
"I can't tell if it's hatred or fear, nor do I know which is stronger. But I do know that I'm disgusted with my own thoughts."
Hearing her words, Emerald Sparrow didn't immediately judge but instead countered, "Why? Because of what happened to your mom?"
"...I've been thinking about these things these past few days and started feeling that knowing the truth isn't necessarily a good thing."
Lin Xiaolu replied with a complex expression, "Just 'knowing that Magical Girls can die' and 'knowing a Magical Girl who died' are completely different feelings."
"It once seemed like such a distant matter to me, but it suddenly feels like it happened right beside me; even in my dreams, I'm starting to feel restless."
"It's odd, isn't it? I've been a Magical Girl for so long, but only these past few days have I begun to feel afraid, even more so than thoughts of 'revenge.' I'm thinking more about 'withdrawal' and 'escape.' I keep thinking, if one day I meet the enemy who killed my mom, will I end up dead like her?"
"I've entertained thoughts of 'revenge,' but I'm afraid of the very act of 'revenge,' and even want to run far away, continue pretending to be ignorant."
"But if I do that, am I still worthy of being my mother's daughter? What's the meaning of having this power? When I think of this, even my resolve to keep fighting begins to waver."
"Doesn't it sound ridiculous? I've always wanted to know the truth about my mother's death, but after knowing it, I've started to regret it. All these negative feelings in my heart: fear, guilt, self-denial... make me feel like it might have been better not to know."
"I'm truly pathetic. I told you, Emerald Sparrow, that I wanted to become stronger, to be of help to you, but just because I learned a bit more, I've started to waver and feel fear."
"Even though Xia Liang learned the same thing, she has even managed to reach the Bud Stage so quickly, while I still..."
Her words trailed off.
Because she suddenly felt a somewhat cold hand taking hold of hers.
"Why apologize for such a thing?"
Emerald Sparrow looked at her earnestly, "Before you're a Magical Girl, you're first and foremost a kid who hasn't grown up. Fearing death is an instinct not even adults can evade, so why belittle yourself over it?"
"But if I don't stand up and seek revenge, then my mom's death..." Lin Xiaolu said somewhat frantically.
"No one is obligated to stand up," Bai Mei interjected.
Emerald Sparrow firmly grasped her hand, cutting her off, "Revenge is not something you should even be considering; as Sakura's teammate, revenge is something for us adults to handle."
"Not consider revenge?"
Lin Xiaolu asked blankly, "In that case, how can I be at peace? What should I do? Can I really continue as before, immersed in my own world as if I know nothing?"
"Forever defeating weak Remnant Beasts like it's a game, then tell myself with self-satisfaction that I've protected this city?"
"Even if so, won't there come a day when an enemy I can't handle suddenly appears, and then I will, I will also..."
She felt her thoughts were in disarray.
As she said, all the negative emotions were mixed together, causing an unprecedented low in her self-identity.
What she didn't know was that, in fact, most children who become Magical Girls out of simple impulses or aspirations end up in some degree of confusion.
For Lin Xiaolu, the trigger for this confusion was the truth about her mother's death.
Initially, upon learning this information, she might have first felt a sense of longing for her mother. But that was quickly followed by a strong sense of dislocation.
Lin Xiaolu, who had always found solace in Magical Girl animations, had an overly idealized and one-sided imagination of the term "Magical Girl."
It seemed as if everything about Magical Girls had a filter in her mind; anything slightly related became filled with fantasy and fairy-tale colors.
That's why she was so unhesitating about becoming a Magical Girl and could be brave in battles with Remnant Beasts – because in her mind, she had become the "protagonist," meant to escape from all the unpleasantness of reality, to dwell within a beautiful dream.
However, this filter shattered when she learned her mother's true cause of death and saw how her progress couldn't compare to her companions.
The concept of "Magical Girl" became increasingly overlapped with reality in her cognition, making it impossible for her to view the term as an imaginative sanctuary any longer, instead bringing her many thoughts about her actual situation.
Responsibilities, crises, losses, death... many inevitable negative concepts came tumbling over from the other side of the filter, becoming Lin Xiaolu's new worries.