"Holy... this really is Jill?" he said, nearly dropping the photo.
Alan kept staring. "So Jill is..."
"Yep," Charlie confirmed again.
"And you and Jill used to..." Alan began.
"Every chance we got," Charlie said with a smirk.
"And Mom is..." Alan trailed off.
"At this very moment," Charlie finished, taking another sip of his drink
"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!" Alan screamed again.
Charlie leaned back and looked at him. "You know what this means, right?"
"That my uncle and my gramma slept with the same dude?" I said
Alan and Charlie both turned to stare at me.
"That my uncle slept with his almost stepsister, and now he slept with his almost stepdad?" I continued.
Their stares only intensified.
"Are you finished?" Charlie asked flatly.
"Yeah," I said with a sigh. "Only got those two."
Charlie, set his drink down, and said, "That means that... I slept with a woman... who wanted to be a man. Or... I slept with a man in a woman's body."
"Excuse me, could we just table that for now and discuss how this impacts on our mother?" Alan asked, clearly trying to regain some sanity.
"Why?" Charlie said, already pouring himself another drink. "The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead."
"Hey, what about me?" I said, throwing up my hands. "I think I'm a liberal in many aspects, but this one is really creepy."
Charlie looked at me and said, "You're the smartest of us, and the one that does therapy. You'll survive."
I rolled my eyes, then
"Oh, I got another one," I added. "It's been a while since Grandma had a relationship with someone who's had more surgery than she has."
The next morning, I was making my way toward the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
"Morning, Berta," I called out casually.
"Morning, kid," she replied
I stepped in and had barely taken my seat when I heard Berta shout, "Gadzooks!" from the living room.
Moments later, Alan and Charlie shuffled into the kitchen, both still groggy.
"Morning," Alan mumbled.
"Morning," Charlie said, heading straight for the coffee.
"So, how was your weekend?" Berta asked, glancing at us.
"Fine," Alan answered.
"Okay," Charlie muttered.
"Could be better," I said, slumping into my chair.
"Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?" Berta asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Like what?" Charlie replied.
"I don't know," Berta said casually. "Go to a fun party? See a great movie? Run into an old flame with a new wick?"
I immediately choked on my drink and spilled some across the table.
"What are the odds?" Berta added. "One brother turns them gay, and the other turns them guy."
I burst out laughing. Alan and Charlie, who had both been staring at Berta, slowly turned their heads to look at me.
"What? That one was good," I said with a shrug.
"If you don't mind, Berta, I'd rather not talk about it," Charlie said, a little annoyed.
"Okay. I'll fix you something to eat," Berta said as she stood up from her chair.
"How about a sausage link and a couple eggs?" she added with a smirk.
"Hello? Anybody home?" came Evelyn's voice from the front door.
"Oh, no," Charlie, Alan, and I said in unison.
"Charlie, I need to talk to you about your friend, Bill," Evelyn called out as she walked in.
"I need to study. Nice to see you here, Gramma," I said quickly, grabbing my plate and making my exit.
As I turned the corner, I could hear Uncle Charlie mutter under his breath, "Lucky bastard."
Later that afternoon, the four of us—Berta, Charlie, Alan, and I—sat silently in the living room, eyes fixed on the scene unfolding outside the window. Evelyn and Bill were talking on the deck.
"What are you doing here? You finished cleaning hours ago," Alan asked Berta, glancing over.
"I took a nap in the laundry room so I'd be fresh for the big show," Berta replied without missing a beat.
Charlie turned to me with a glint in his eye. "Jake, want to hear some curiosity?"
"Sure," I said, leaning in.
"They," Charlie began suggestively, "are made out of Teflon."
I made a weird face and muttered, "So 'hit in the nuts' still means nothing to him?"
"Okay, I think he's going for it," Alan said, eyes on Bill through the window.
We could see them clearly—Evelyn seemed to say "What?" with a puzzled look, but then, to everyone's surprise, she leaned in and kissed him.
"Wow, that went surprisingly well," Alan muttered.
"Damn," Berta added under her breath.
But then, Bill kept talking.
"Wait a minute, what's he doing?" said Charlie
We watched as Evelyn's expression shifted. She pointed at Bill, then turned slightly and pointed toward Uncle Charlie.
Charlie gave a brief wave and a weak, awkward smile.
Then, to our shock, Evelyn pointed at Bill again—and collapsed, falling back onto the deck like a dropped marionette.
"There you go," Berta said with a satisfyingly smug tone.
She stood up, brushing off her pants. "See you tomorrow."
Charlie and Dad rushed out onto the deck to help her.
The next day, Evelyn sat in the living room with Alan and Charlie on either side.
"Okay, we'll make a list," Alan said, trying to sound practical. "The pros and cons of continuing your relationship with Bill."
"Mom?" he prompted gently.
Evelyn crossed her arms thoughtfully. "Well, he certainly understands women."
"Okay, that's a pro," Alan nodded.
"He used to be a woman," Charlie chimed in.
"He slept with Charlie when he was a woman," Alan added.
"Pro. No, wait, con. Definitely con," Charlie corrected himself.
"What's the score?" Evelyn asked.
"It's about even," Alan said.
"He's gorgeous. He can afford beach-front property. And he's got a trunk full of fabulous shoes that fit me perfectly."
She stood up, smiling.
"Don't wait up. Mommy's got a date."
"So no one cares that I'm having breakfast here?" I asked, a little indignant.
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