"Wait," Monica said on the phone, and I could hear her calling out in the background.
"We're in position," Chandler's voice chimed in.
"Hi Jake," added Rachel warmly.
I stepped into the hallway to avoid being overheard.
"Here's the thing," I said. "Uncle Charlie's ex-lover is here. She's engaged. And he wants to prove he's better. That he's a family man."
"But he's not," Rachel replied with the same level of confidence my dad did.
"Wait a minute, Lisa is engaged?" I heard Monica voice cut in.
"Ross, did you know that Lisa is engaged?" Monica asked, clearly outraged.
"Yeah, it'll be in a month. I got the invitation," Ross replied casually.
"What? I didn't get invited?!" Monica screamed even more outraged.
"Did you hear that, Jake?" Chandler said, amused.
"Oh yeah, it's getting messier," I said with a smirk.
"Jake," I could hear Monica's voice getting closer through the phone. "Go there and make sure your Uncle Charlie wins." Then I heard her murmur: "And get me an invitation."
"Monica, I'm not there, but I'm pretty sure everyone is glaring at you," I said.
"Jake, I don't think you should interfere in an engagement," Rachel said.
"Yeah, Rach, I love you, but I don't think you have much moral to talk about this," I added with a condescending tone.
"Why you looking at me, Rach? He kinda has a point..." Monica chimed in.
"Ok, it is starting," I said, settling in.
Then I heard Charlie introducing my grandparents.
"What?" came multiple voices over the phone.
"Uncle Charlie just introduced my grandparents with the wrong names... and the fact that they live here in California."
"Oh, now my grandparents just bluntly said they still consider my dad as their son. Mom was not happy with that."
I walked to the kitchen and
"Uuuuu," I let out again
"What now?" came multiple voices over the phone again.
"Our housekeeper just bluntly said to Lisa, 'Don't tell me you're back here again. Don't you ever learn?' And Lisa, showing her ring, said, 'As a matter of fact, I think I have.' Then Berta added, 'Good for you. You can do so much better.' "
It was possible to hear a wave of murmurs ripple through the phone.
"Oh, now this one is gold," I whispered into the phone. "Uncle Charlie and Lisa went to greet Gramma, and he said, 'You remember Lisa, right?' Then she replied, 'No, I don't. I'm sorry. Hello, dear. My son has had so many little roommates.' And she finished with, 'I just hope you've got better taste than the one who picked out his hideous furniture.' "
"...And it was Lisa who picked everything here...that's double kill from Gramma" I added.
There were some laughs, followed by Ross saying, "Wow, that hurts."
"Mon (Monica), I can see your schadenfreude smile from here," I said.
"You are right!" Chandler commented, after I could hear him said 'ouch!'
"Oh God..." I murmured.
"Come on Jake, we need details," Rachel said eagerly.
"Uncle Charlie has a kind of stalker. She's a little eccentric. She just came climbing onto the deck, introduced herself to Lisa, and said, 'Don't worry. Charlie and I had sex once, but now we're just friends.' "
I could hear people winced in the phone
I returned to the living room.
"Okay, now it becomes even messier," I muttered.
"My grandma on my dad's side just said, 'The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.' "
"The thing is, Mom didn't tell her parents about her change of taste," I said, doing a Michael Scott's grimace face
"Wow, you are really living a sitcom comedy, right?". "I knew you were too good to be real," Chandler commented.
"I would say the same for you, Chandler. But I'm not hearing much laughter from your part," I said playfully.
"You just killed Chandler, you know," I could hear a new voice—Phoebe. "He threw himself to the ground clutching his chest, pretending to be dead," Phoebe said while chuckling.
"Oh, it is lunch time," I said.
"Just put it on speaker," Monica replied.
Everyone was already seated at the table. I placed the phone beside my plate so the others could hear the chaos unfolding live from my end.
"Here it is," Berta said as she placed a large roasted turkey on the table.
"Berta, nice looking bird. Thanks for blowing off your family and cooking for ours," she added sarcastically when no one commented.
"Thank you, Berta. It looks delicious," I said, trying to smooth it over, also noticing the look Lisa gave Charlie. "So, can we say what we're thankful for?" I asked, looking around the table.
"Me, I got one," Rose said raising her hand
she started, "I'm thankful for the food we eat, and thankful for the friends we meet."
then it becomes weird
"I'm thankful for my comfy seat. I'm thankful for the birdie's feet."
And she started to sing—completely off-key—
"White with foam, God bless America..."
"Pull up, Rose," Charlie said with an unamused tone.
"Sorry," Rose mumbled.
I just facepalmed and shook my head.
I then leaned slightly toward my phone and murmured, "When I have a girlfriend, I will never bring her here to meet my family," I said through gritted teeth.
Dad cleared his throat and said, "Okay, I'm next. I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with all the people I love, and all the people who love me," he paused before adding, "and Judith."
I gave a deadpan look. "Oh yeah, it was just a matter of time before my dad created an awkward moment."
To be fair, the moment was already pretty awkward anyway
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