The soft glow of the inn did almost nothing to chase away the shadows and nightmares in Cordellia’s mind. Keeping track of how many days it had been since Tanila and Max had rescued her from that hell made it worse.
The worn wooden table provided a barrier between her and them, her fingers wrapped around a cup of expensive elven wine that she had barely touched. Elsewhere in the room, life was taking place, and laughter and the sounds of others living rang out. Each time the clatter of a dropped mug or someone yelled too loudly caused a memory of her past to rise up, resulting in Cordellia flinching.
Max sat there, watching her carefully, his rough hands resting on the table, steady as always.
“You barely sleep,” he said in a low voice. “You flinch when someone raises their voice, so don’t pretend you’re okay.”
Cordellia swallowed hard. “I’m not pretending.”
She had to fight not to grimace as she spoke, those words almost leaving a sour taste in her mouth.
Gold eyes searched her as Tanila leaned forward. “You know I can sense something is wrong. What is it?”
Her mind raced, trying to decide if she wanted to lie or offer some other answer that might get her out of this conversation. Yet her chest was heavy, and the pain of it all was impossible to bear. Knowing these two loved her and wanted to help gave her the strength to push on.
Taking a deep breath, she slowly let it out.
She watched Max’s jaw tense and knew he had forced it to relax.
“That’s normal… I mean not what you went through, but no one returns from something like that unchanged… I didn’t.”
His voice had shifted, and his eyes stared into his cup.
Cordellia knew he was being open and honest. He too knew the pain of being taken away.
“I… I was angry and upset. Part of me was filled with malice, and there were things I regret now… what I did to Terrance back in Alundra… that was wrong. All I knew was getting revenge, finding answers, and not caring how I hurt others. Thankfully, you all reminded me there were other ways to live and to let go of the pain of the past.”
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He tapped his chest slowly a few times and smiled at her.
“In here, there is pain. It will never go away, but as time has passed, it has decreased. There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that the risk of thinking about it isn’t there, but I try to focus on the good… on you and the rest of the team. All I’m saying is I know what you’ve been through to a degree. You’re not alone, and I… we wanted to remind you that we love you and are here for you.”
A laugh escaped her lips, and Cordellia winced after it had come out.
Love… that’s what got me into this mess… well not love… but the desire for it.
“I should be stronger than this, though. I’ve fought with you all in the tower against impossible odds. I just… don’t know how to fight… this.” She tapped her temple, frustration rising as she spoke. “I don’t know how to make the nightmares stop.”
Tanila reached across the table and took her hand from her cup, holding it firmly between hers.
“Strength isn’t about never breaking. You’ve watched Max, Batrire, Fowl, and even me, the special one, break. Real strength is letting others help put the pieces back together.”
Gods, I want to believe that.
Max leaned forward and put one of his hands on top of theirs.
“You don’t have to figure this out alone. We’re here. When the nightmares come, you can come wake up either of us. When something scares you or startles you, find either of us and take our hand. Let us be your walls when the world feels too… open.”
Her eyes blinked on their own, and she realized immediately that tears were running down her cheeks.
Blinking away the stinging sensation, she felt something in her chest she hadn’t felt in so long.
Tanila squeezed her hand again and smiled. “That’s all we’re asking for now.”
Her heart raced. The beat of it was different from the times she had been scared in the tower, knowing death might come from a creature far stronger than her.
It was different than how it had been when she was trapped and tortured, wishing it would give out and end the pain of what she was enduring.
For the first time in days, Cordellia felt something shift.
The ghosts and nightmares were still there. They just weren’t as loud as they had been.
She placed her other hand on Max’s and squeezed both of theirs.