Well, it’s been a while since I last made an update post. I had to put “Real life-related” in the title because I don’t want people to think this is related to DD or any of my translation work. Actually, I guess it’s related to the latter since it’ll affect the future of it for a period.
I’ll get straight to the point. I was informed last week that my dad was diagnosed with late-stage pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis came from a small hospital and he went to get tested at a large hospital on Sunday just to be sure. The results for that won’t come out until Oct 5th, so yeah.
It’s difficult to really explain how I feel right now. I was definitely devastated the night I heard the news, but now that I’ve had time to think about it more, it just feels heavy blanket of sadness over me instead of intense grief. My parents are divorced, so I would only see him like twice a year for family reunions and he wasn’t exactly the most supportive parent either. I think the only time he actually tried to support me was when I was in the military. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel that much grief. It’s sad, but it’s not sad to the point where I’m unable to function properly. It might sound shitty to say, but I’m honestly not that surprised this happened. He has always been a very heavy drinker. He even got diagnosed with diabetes several years ago, yet he kept drinking. Everyone insisted he should stop, but you now know how that ended up. In the end, I don’t think anyone could say that they’re genuinely surprised by this outcome. But, despite all this, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still sad. No one deserves cancer, and he’s still my dad.
I’ve been constantly feeling this weight on my chest like I’m underwater. It’s either the sadness or the humidity, either way, it’s not exactly helping my current state. I think the biggest thing that pains me is imagining how my dad’s siblings must feel. I can’t mention my grandparents yet since he hasn’t even told them, but I’m honestly not looking forward to the day he does. This situation…for the lack of a better word…sucks. I think what makes this worse is the fact that this might end up being the first death in the family that I’m going to experience… My grandparents on both my dad’s and mom’s sides are alive and well, so yeah… Fuck.
Things could potentially turn out for the better. Maybe the small hospital made a faulty diagnosis and the big hospital will give us good news on the 5th… I know I should be optimistic, but it’s probably unlikely. I’m not a doctor, but I feel like even the most incompetent doctor should at least be able to recognize late-stage cancer. Of course, there’s a chance that they misdiagnosed him on purpose to scam money out of my dad, but that’s just a dumb speculation at this point.
All in all, I’m probably going to be in a depressed mood for a while. It’ll definitely get worse next Friday when we have our next family reunion… All I can do is ask for your guys’ understanding if my releases get a bit slow. I actually don’t plan on ceasing my translation. If anything, translating will probably help distract me. Whatever helps me cope, I guess?
So yeah, that mostly wraps up my headspace and what happened recently. I might give an update about the situation later after the family reunion or the 5th when the diagnosis fully comes out. Depending on what happens, I’ll either be the same as I am now, or be more depressed. All I can do now is try to stay out of my head and just focus on what’s in front of me.