Ren's head snapped toward the voice, only for his stomach to sink when he saw Kisame freaking Hoshigaki and Itachi fucking Uchiha slowly approaching them as if they owned the place, red-clouded clocks and all.
"What in the actual fuck is wrong today with my luck?" Ren couldn't help but whine under his nose. This was starting to get ridiculous. At this point, Tsunade had probably better luck than him.
Ren and Yagura glanced at each other... and both understood they would need to team up if they wanted a chance at survival. Ren's shoulders slumped in resignation as his eyes landed once more on the approaching duo of S-rank criminals.
He was so done with this bullshit.
"Nice to meet you again." Itachi politely said toward Ren, making him confused. As far as he knew, they had never met.
Ren opened his mouth, a question on the tip of his tongue, but then he just decided it was unimportant right now. Because he was a tad bit preoccupied with evading Kisame's Samehada that had just smashed into the spot he stood a split second ago.
Kisame didn't press his advantage. He just stood in front of Ren, relaxed and grinning like a kid in the candy store, while Itachi faced Yagura.
Ren's lips twitched, 'Heh. I might be in trouble.' He thought, hurting all over his body. Yagura hit him only twice but both blows were devastating. He was so not in the condition to fight a freaking S-rank ninja right now.
His mind going a mile a minute, Ren was trying to figure out what he could do here... only to see Itachi instantly casting Tsukuyomi on Yagura.
To his immense shock, the technique hit Yagura, knocking him out but Ren noticed the only remaining Yin Containment Seal still stuck on the jinchuuriki's back reacting.
Ren's breath hitched as he realized he had a chance and he quickly looked at the smug Kisame who was enjoying his slow descent into despair.
"Oi, sushi boy. How big was the shark that fucked yo mama?" Ren quickly blurted the first yo-mama joke that came to his mind upon glancing at Kisame while sweat rolled down his forehead.
He didn't even know why he said that one. It just sounded like something that would piss the sharkman off.
Kisame just snorted in amusement and gave Ren a quick eye roll. He heard shark jokes far too often to be bothered by them. But that didn't matter because Ren's goal was accomplished when Kisame decided to go on the offensive.
Three things happened at once in a quick succession.
Itachi's tsukuyomi finished. Three seconds after he cast it. Yagura slumped onto the ground, unconscious. But Itachi also released a painful scream, clutching at his eyes that were now profusely bleeding as he fell on his knees and only his left arm prevented him from falling onto the ground.
Ren had no idea what the Yin Containment Seal had done to Itachi's tsukuyomi but clearly, it was nothing pleasant. He didn't have time to rejoice about it as Kisame was already lazily swinging his massive overcompensation stick at him, intending to shred him to pieces.
Ren... substituted with the unconscious Yagura at the last second, making Kisame go slack-jawed as his sword went straight through the jinchuuriki's chest, shredding his heart, lungs, ribcage, and all that was in its path.
Yagura's deceased body fell onto the ground in a puddle of blood in two pieces. The Sanbi gone for the next several years.
Ren inwardly released an exhausted chuckle. There was really only one reason why Itachi and Kisame would appear this close to Yagura. But... fuck the pricks and their mission.
Ren quickly sank into the ground with the Hiding Like a Mole technique while using the last of his chakra to leave a shadow clone in his place.
It was a gamble but... he couldn't think of anything else that had a chance of working against the S-rank duo.
Above the ground, Kisame finally snapped out of his funk and Itachi managed to push through the pain enough to focus on what had happened. Kisame's expression twisted into an angry scowl and he prepared to destroy Ren's clone who was grinning at him like a loon who had just won, flipping him off in the process.
"Don't bother. It's a shadow clone." Itachi easily saw through the ruse and Kisame huffed. The expression of Ren's clone fell as he cursed under his nose and tried to... nevermind.
Kisame appeared behind him and the clone puffed out of existence before he could even realize he died.
"Where is the original." Kisame irritably asked Itachi who nodded toward the ground.
"Underground." The Uchiha dispassionately said and Kisame clicked his tongue before starting to go through hand seals, only to be stopped by Itachi who put his hand on Kisame's, stopping his formation of hand seals for his technique.
"Don't bother. His oxygen will run out soon and he will resurface." Itachi said, only for his eyes to slightly widen in surprise a moment later.
"What?" Kisame asked when he saw it. He learned to read his partner during their time together and for a Uchiha, that slight widening of eyes might as well be screaming in shock.
"He... disappeared." Itachi said, his brows furrowing.
"How?" Kisame frowned, his hold on Samehada tightening.
"I have no idea." Itachi's lips twitched as he glanced at Yagura, his face almost unreadable.
"The leader won't be happy about this." Kisame warned as he glanced at Yagura's corpse, his lips set into a scowl but Itachi simply uncaringly shrugged.
"Let's go back." He turned around and started walking away, followed by unhappy Kisame just a second later.
Deep down, Kisame swore to himself he was going to brutally murder that smug Konoha bastard who made them fail the mission the next time he met him.
Back in Ren's apartment in Konoha, Ren suddenly teleported straight onto his couch with a loud crash, inwardly thanking the sugar daddy sage for whatever made Kisame delay his technique.
He still needed five seconds to charge the transportation seal when he felt Kisame's surge of chakra but for some reason, he stopped midway.
'Holy shit, I am alive.' Ren let out a quiet but disbelieving laughter full of relief, only to wince a second later due to the pain surging through his body.
His landing was not very smooth. His legs were on top of the couch's backrest while his head was on the ground with his body everywhere in between.
It hurt as hell but he couldn't move anymore.
Suddenly, he heard fast footsteps closing in on him and he barely managed to turn his head toward the door, only to see Ino enter the room. Her expression instantly became full of horror when she saw the state he was in and the puddle of blood that was forming under him and painting his precious green couch red.
His poor couch...
"Hello, beautiful. Do you perhaps have any band-aid for my boo?" He asked the blonde girl with an eye smile only to hear a small whimper from her.
Personally, he thought his left arm bent in a direction it should never be bending in was probably ruining the whole cool impression.