Legion Memo: Incident Report 332-K
Filed By: Commander Alros Ven
Distribution: Internal Command Archive Only
During active deployment, Legionnaire Kett was placed on temporary kitchen duty for the 14th Squadron. While preparing stew from field supplies, Kett mistakenly substituted industrial cleaning solvent for cooking oil and added a concentrated preservative compound mislabeled as seasoning.
Within minutes of eating, every Legionnaire in the squadron was incapacitated by violent, uncontrollable vomiting. The mess hall erupted into chaos as soldiers collapsed over tables, retched across the floor, and in several cases attempted to outdo one another in sheer distance of projection. One Legionnaire reportedly shouted, “Cover me, I’ve got range!” before vomiting across an entire table of comrades.
What first appeared to be a catastrophic failure became a lifesaving event. Moments later, a Princedom infiltrator disguised as a supply officer entered the mess hall and began gloating loudly that his poison plot had succeeded. Believing the squadron dead, he revealed details of his sabotage. Nᴇw ɴovel chaptᴇrs are published on novel·fiɾe·net
At that point, several Legionnaires, still mid-vomit, overpowered him by pinning him to the floor and coating him in the very substance that had disabled them. The infiltrator surrendered immediately.
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Legionnaire Injuries: Entire squadron incapacitated for 12–24 hours of vomiting, dehydration, and humiliation. No fatalities.
Enemy Casualties: 1 Princedom infiltrator captured alive, thoroughly disgraced.
Material Losses: One stew vat, two weeks’ supply of rations, and three ventilation systems rendered unusable.
Legionnaire Kett’s gross incompetence inadvertently neutralized the Princedom poisoning attempt by forcing the entire squadron to empty their stomachs before the toxins could take effect. The infiltrator’s arrogance exposed him, leading to his capture.
Eyewitnesses describe the scene as “a chorus of retching interrupted by the world’s most ill-timed villain monologue.” The spectacle has already been adapted into several unauthorized holos under titles such as Soup of the Gods and The Day the Mess Fought Back.
By regulation, Legionnaire Kett should face immediate dismissal for catastrophic negligence in food preparation. However, given that his mistake directly saved an entire squadron and provided irreplaceable morale value, I recommend no charges be pursued.
Legion Command concurs. No charges are to be filed. The absurdity of the event has been designated a morale asset. An official holo “The Cook Who Saved a Squadron” will be produced, expected to surpass recruitment propaganda in popularity and offset all material losses tenfold.