Those were the only few words running around in my head as I stared at myself in the mirror of the bathroom. Each one of those scars would bring back the memories of what I had to go through. I could still feel the pain of that burning blade, those painful chains, and that nauseating place. I traced my fingers against them, and my body shivered as the feeling slowly took over me.
No, please no. I don't want to feel that again.
"Ai," a voice whispered in my ear, and a warm feeling enveloped me. I looked up to see his face right behind mine, his arms gently embracing me. His little smile filled my mind with nothing but warmth. I closed my eyes and leaned against the warmth, letting myself be taken over by it. Please, stay . I don't want you to go away. I couldn't even bear being away from you for so long, especially in that place. For my sake, please never leave.
His soft lips touched my cheeks, and I couldn't help but turn around, away from the horrid image in the mirror. Opening my eyes, there was his neck staring right at me. I could hear the blood pumping in his veins, and my mouth started to slowly salivate at the thought of drinking some from him. No, not anymore. I have already drunk too much of it.
He placed his hand on my cheek, and I looked up to meet his eyes, and there was nothing but love in them. He looked at me so affectionately that it was nauseating. How can you still look at me with those eyes when I look ? I am not as beautiful as I was before. I made my entire image to fit perfectly to your liking, and someone came in out of nowhere and completely ruined everything that I had put so much effort it. Yet, you look at me as if it doesn't bother you.
Why do you always have to be so kind? Why does anything about me revolt you? Even back then, when I showed you my scariest form, you still lent out a helping hand with those same kind eyes. Why is it that I have to be saved by you so many times? Why is it that it makes me love you even more than I did before?
I placed my hand on his and leaned into it, holding onto the warmth. I know, you will still be looking at me with the same affection. Do I really deserve all of this? I am not some perfect angel myself. I have killed people before. Those who deserved a death, I know this world may not give them. I did all of that in the name of keeping you safe, but you know that, don't you? Yet if I open my eyes, the love in your eyes won't be any different, would it? You would still look at me so affectionately, ready to accept anything about me.
"How do I look?" I asked him, knowing full well how he would respond.
"As beautiful as the first time I saw you, all those years back," he replied. I knew it. "How do I look?"
"As handsome as I first laid my eyes on you," I replied without a beat. "But you also looked so cute back then, aaah, if only I could grab that Kazu-kun and take care of him all the time. N-not like I don't like you any less right now. I think you look just as cute, but you know, you look way more handsome than you did. I mean, back then too-"
My running mouth was stopped by a pair of lips pressed against it, and I wrapped my arms around him. His warmth was so calming. It made my head go fuzzy, and any thought I had before suddenly disappeared. Nothing mattered in the moment for me except for him. That is how much control he has over me. Does he even realize that?
"You say that, but you aren't looking at me," he said, breaking the kiss, and I puff my chest proudly.
"Hehehe, my love for Kazu-kun is so much that I don't need to look at him to know just how handsome he looks. If I were to open my eyes, I may just faint from your beauty," I said proudly. I love him so much after all. If there were a competition of who loves Kazu-kun the most, I would win the gold, silver, and bronze medals.
"I bow before the great Ai-sama, the goddess of love," he said in a sarcastic tone, and I let a little laugh. He placed another kiss on my forehead, and I opened my eyes. Aaah, he looks even better than I thought. His face was so perfect looking I couldn't get my eyes off, but these even muscles around his neck and collar are getting so defined I don't even know where to look anymore. Every part of him is just so perfect. I just want to absolutely tie him down and have him all for myself. And his chest, it's so nice and defined and looking so muscular, no wonder sleeping on top of him is so fun. It's like a nice firm pillow, so much better than the extremely soft pillow in our room. Aaaaah, I can sleep on top of him from now on, right? I don't think he would mind huehehehehe.
"My eyes are up here, ma'am," his voice snapped me out of the fantasy world, and I looked up to see him having a little smirk on his face, and my face started to heat up. Was I staring too much? No, I don't need to worry about that. Kazu-kun is my boyfriend, and I can look at him for as long as I want. Yeah, it only makes sense for a girlfriend to look at her boyfriend as long as she wants. It's her right. Yep, that sounds about right.
"It's Kazu-kun's fault for being so amazing," I said and put my head against his chest. Yes, this is the best feeling. "If you want me not to stare, stop being so perfect. You can't walk around looking like that and expect me not to stare. You are made to be stared at."
"Am I being objectified here?" he asked while chuckling.
"Absolutely," I said right away. "Is there a problem with that?"
"No ma'am," he said, and I went back to snuggling his chest.
"Good, you are a smart man. Otherwise, I have my own ways of getting what I want," I said, and he laughed nervously.
Yes, this feels right. No matter how I think of myself, no matter what happens, he will always be looking at me with the same look in his eyes. Those kind and loving eyes will always be looking at me the same way as they have. My eyes fell on the scars on my body, and a little surge of awful memories came back, but they were completely pushed away by his warmth. Every awful feeling disappears when he is near me.
I can't thank him enough for being the way he is. If he hadn't been like that…I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to live in a world where he is not there. Even if it's just his face and body, if it's not him, there is something terribly wrong in the world, and that is a world I refuse to be in. The world is beautiful because he is in it. This life is amazing because he is a part of it. My life has meaning because he exists.
I looked up to meet his eyes again, and the next thing I knew, he picked me up and made me sit down in front of the shower before pouring a bucket of water on me. I shook my head, getting my hair in a mess, and I stared at him with a cheeky little grin on my face. This guy, seriously, just how can someone look so cute while looking so handsome?
"Time to wash all the bad thoughts away," he said, and my eyes widened a little. Of course, he knows, he always does. Almost as if he can read my mind. I leaned back, and he dropped down to his knees to catch my head in his shoulder. I closed my eyes and nudged my head.
"Then make sure you wash every one of those away," I said, and he gave me a soft smile. Please never stop looking at me like that. I don't know what I will do if you look at me disappointed or scared. I don't know what will happen to my world if you pull away. You are the reason everything is right in my life. Please never blame yourself for anything that happens to me. Please, never leave my side under the banner of wanting to keep me safe.
I am safe when you are around. I am happy when you are next to me. I am sane because you are always so close.
You are the reason I am still living.
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